Tuesday, March 2, 2010

less is NOT more

My Mom and I were talking in the car the other day on the way home. Somehow, high school reunions came up in conversation. My 10 year high school reunion will be next May. Gosh, what a lifetime ago high school was. This wasn't the first time that a high school reunion has come up in a conversation. It also was not the first time that I had adamantly refused to attend. Friends (even 3 or 4 years ago) seemed so anxious and excited about this future date that a group of adults meet up and reminise over bad hair days, horrible teachers and compare notes on what is going on in their current lives.

My Mom asked me why I didn't want to go.

It was simple. What am I supposed to show up with? What I am supposed to say that I have been doing for the last ten years?

I am diplomaless.
I am jobless.
I am husbandless (make that boyfriendless too).
I am childless.
Oh, lets top this all off and add that I still live at home with my parents.
Wow, now that is impressive.

That list scares me. That list terrifies me to my inner core. Is that who I am? Is that that what I have become?

Ten years has gone by...what do I have to show for it? Not much.

I wrestle daily with the feeling that I am a loser. That I am a nobody. I am a loser because I have nothing to show for my life. I have no accomplishments to speak of-no job, home or family. I haven't done something. I have become someone. That is how I feel; like a loser, a nobody.

Dysautonomia has taken so many things from me. It has taken time, dreams and memories. It has also slowly chipped away at my self-esteem and my feelings of acomplishement. It is hard to explain to people that sometimes it is a huge accomplishment that I took a bath or washed my hair. It may be an accomplishment to have had dinner at the table instead of in bed. And somedays it is simple an accomplishment to make it through the day and still have my sanity in tact.

I am so embarrassed that I haven't finished college yet. I am even more embarrassed when I am not able to go to school. When people ask me about school and I tell them that I am a psychology major. They naturally assume that if I am still in school at my age, then I must be in Graduate School. I don't correct them. Sometimes people assume that if I am in school part-time that it must be because I am working. Again, I don't tell them the truth. I am terrified that they too, will think that I am a nobody.

I don't have the confidence to say, "No, I am not healthy enough to take more than one class right now." "No, I don't live on my own. I live with my parents because of health issues."

I know that I didn't choose this way of life but it is hard to explain that. Whether I chose it or not, after 10 years, I am still trying to grasp it.
I don't want to feel like a burden but I do. I don't want to think that I am a loser but I do. I don't want to feel broken but I do.

The King of love my Shepherd is,

Whose goodness faileth never;
lack nothing if I am His
And He is mine forever.
~Henry William Baker

I am Yours, Father. Thank you.

{photo from here}


Kelly said...

Ugh, Heather I totally understand what you mean! I have had similar feelings, they suck! Praying for you <3

Marla said...

Hi, I'm stopping over from Kelly's Korner.

Don't let life get you down. You are not a loser, I can tell from this wonderfully articulate post. Be like Dory and "just keep swimming, swimming."


Fee-AMore said...

Heather! You are not a loser, please. We are all made to be someone in many different lights. Please do not lose faith and keep fighting and believing in what is close and dear to your heart. Loves and thinking of ya.

Design and Pattern said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I know this won't help much but - remember that these sorts of life trials are the things that shape your personality the most and hopefully make you a better person in the long run- I know it can be sooo hard but keep looking for the positives that have been given too:)

quietspirit said...

Our problems and troubles can make us stronger. God works through them and builds us up.

Read Isaiah 41:10

alli/hooray said...

Oh, Heather, you are such an honest person! I'm praying for you...even though I don't know you personally, I really do feel like you are a friend. You have a lot of courage and handle this better than most people EVER would. Keep being you!

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