I am totally not going to lie. I haven't been posting because I have been afriad of what would come out. I have been like one big steaming kettle...about to erupt at any moment.
Last week, it happened. The eruption, happened. It was not pretty. My poor Mom was on the receiving end of all my pent-up emotions. It was a really bad week. But I should have seen it coming. I can only keep it in for so long.
A visual keeps coming to mind. The incident with Linda Blair and the green pea soup in The Exorcist. Pretty, huh?
I saw my counselor, Kelly today. And even though I am usually on top of my feelings and know why I am coming un-glued...I haven't been lately and Kelly really helped me today get things in order. We made a diagram with pieces of construction paper (sort of like the one below) and ligths went off and bells began dinging. I figured out why I have been having such a difficult time. (I hope to share those reasons in the next couple of days.)
Underneath my jealousy and my anger that seems to be running rampant these days, my sadness is always there. My sadness is under everything. The tears could come at any moment. My sadness is a giant, dark hole that seems to be getting bigger and blacker. It is a giant cesspool that has been collecting every moment that I have missed and every dream that I have let go of.
I am sad. So sad and I am trying to hold on to the future calm and peace that I KNOW will come one day soon.
I keep thinking about one of my favorite quotes from Corrie ten Boom.
"No pit is so deep that HE is not deeper still."