Sustain Me

"Cast your burdens on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

Psalm 55:22 

Among other things, sustain means to to keep a person, their mind, spirits, etc., from giving way, as under trial or affliction. God promises to sustain me. He promises to hold me tight and not let me become lost in my afflictions. He promises that I will never fall. I am reminding myself of this, every single minute.

source

The last two weeks have been very hard ones. I haven't been able to do very much at all. I feel like I am spending more and more of my time in bed, with the shades drawn and with little noise because I am so sensitive to the stimulation. I am having a hard time eating and swallowing food and drinks. I am choking on most anything that I try to swallow. And to add insult to injury, my insomnia is raging. And not sleeping makes everything worse. I am only getting a few hours of sleep during the day because for some reason my mind refuses to settle and allow me to have a restful night's sleep.

I am trying hard -very hard- to remain positive. I feel so bad and I am so tired, it is hard to do some days. I know these days will pass but in the meantime, I am trying to get through each hour. I say to myself, just breathe.

My spirit is seems battered right now and tears come so easily. I am very sad.

I am not able to be on the computer very much right now. It is difficult to find the energy and thought to try and post and visit you all. I know it sounds strange to say that being online is an effort but thank you all for being so supportive.

I hope to *see* you all very soon!

summer crush

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

hello friends.

two months? that was my last post? where has time gone? where has the summer gone?

the last few weeks have been difficult, to say the least. each time i feel that i am making progress, something comes along and wipes me off my feet...sometimes, literally!

three weeks ago, i had such a terrible spell that i had to go to the hospital. it was one of the worst ones in 12 years. my sister ( a nurse) could only get a systolic pressure of 50 and only a faint pulse. she said that with a number that low she didn't attempt to get the diastolic. there are about 30-45 minutes that i have hardly any memory of. it was very bad and so very scary for us all.

before my previous spell in may, i was working on a post explaining these "spells" and dysautonomia in general. i haven't been able to finish it yet. you all are so supportive though and take me at my word and encourage me despite my lack of information and explanation.

i have so much i want to share-both good and bad. i have stayed away from blogging because i have been so empty that i could find the strength or energy to share anything.

this particular verse that i included really sums up how i feel. this summer was supposed to be better and it wasn't. i am supposed to be better and i am not. my friends are making important life decisions and i am not apart of them. i feel left behind. i feel alone. i feel crushed. my heart hurts. it is a physical pain-a constant ache for a taste of life.

crushed dreams. crushed hopes. crushed spirit. harsh reality.

it is a bitter pill to swallow.

thank you so much for reaching out to me over the last weeks. your kindness has meant the world. please forgive my neglect. i hope to re-connect soon.