Wednesday, February 16, 2011

a light in the dark

I have been struggling lately. I wake up with knots in my stomach and go to bed with them still lingering. I begrudgingly accepted this illness. It is a daily battle of acceptance and fear. Is there a middle ground? Is there a place where my hope of being better and my dreams of the future can meet my current circumstance and make sense? Do I give up my dreams? Do I find new goals? Goals that seem obtainable. It is confusing. It is frustrating.
I want to return to college.
I want to graduate.
I want to marry.
I want a family.
So many days make me wonder if any of this possible.
Can I do any of these things? Can I ever leave home? Can I ever take care of myself? Honestly, I don't know. That scares me. The thought of living like this forever scares me.
Sometimes, I am afraid. I am so afraid that these precious prayers won't be answered. What if the things I want so badly are not going to possible for me.
How do I plan a future from bed?

I am afraid that God has other plans. I want to change His mind. I don't want His will if it doesn't include what I consider life. I want His plan to be my plan. 

I try to remember God has my loving Father. That Christ suffered too and that He has great compassion but often I feel alone and isolated and I think of God as distant deity sitting on a cloud, far, far away. I wish I could say I feel Him right here, with each step but I don't feel Him. I call myself looking but I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed by God.

I feel alone in the dark without a light.

Right now my only light is hope. I am clinging to God's promises of hope and healing with all that is in me. I am clinging to His promises of faithful love and never ending compassion.
I feel alone but I know that I am not alone. My emotions are deceiving. His truth is forever.  



Erin said...

Praying for you, my friend.

Kelli said...

heart. breaking. I'm so sorry. I want to come have Tuesday lunch with you...or Monday coffee. I want to lay healing hands of prayer on you dear friend.

You know what my favorite verse is in the bible? It's a weird one...but it's my favorite. I think people think it's weird because it's not directed to me at all. But it calls to me. It's exactly where Satan attacks me. When I'm alone and Isolated. When I loathe myself and I'm condemning myself. When I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and I'm in a whirlwind. This verse grabs me and I remember. It's really short but I like the context. Luke 1:28c "The Lord is with you" I know you hear this a bunch. But when I read this it dawned on me...that Angel was literally telling Mary the LORD is WITH her. Like with her, with her. And then he went on to tell her shocking news of her virgin pregnancy. I can't imagine what life for her would've been like. Really really hard. She surrounds her self with love. All her friends. Elizabeth and Zacharias, and later Joseph. All people she needs in her life.

All that to say, Heather, The Lord is With YOU. Now surround yourself with people who know and believe that and lean on them. I know you probably are. But I want to be someone who encourages people to be around people that love and care for them.

Oh and I know it may be weird, but close your eyes and listen to Chris Tomlin's "How Great is Our God" and picture it. All this darkness....yeah it's trembling at the love of God.

"The splendor of a King,
clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
all the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
and darkness tries to hide
it trembles at his voice,
trembles at his voice"

and another song I thought of:
Ps. 62 ( i love this part of it and clung to this for a long time when "lies like arrows pierce me")

My soul finds rest in God alone
My rock and my salvation
A fortress strong against my foes
And I will not be shaken
Though lips may bless and hearts may curse
And lies like arrows pierce me
I'll fix my heart on righteousness
I'll look to Him who hears me

okay that's a lot. I'm praying for you girl. and I will be up and blogging soon.

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