Be still.

"Be still and know that I am God."

-Psalm 46:10

After being sick for several years, my illness may not be predictable but my pattern of grief is. I am very fortunate that my parents were wise enough to know that I needed to learn to deal with being sick, early on. I have been seeing the most wonderful and compassionate Christian counselor, Kelly for over 10 years now. I don't have to go to her on a continuous basis. In fact, sometimes, it may be a couple of years and I don't go at all but there are other times when I go for long periods of time and I need her to listen and encourage. She is a huge reason for my choosing to become a Licensed Professional Counselor.

Everyone grieves differently. Every one's grief has a different time line. As I said, with the help of my wonderful family and Kelly, my grief pattern is very predictable. Because being sick is such a roller coaster and I may go months and be relatively symptom free and live "part-time" as I like to call it, when my Dysautonomia begins to take over my life again, it is almost a shock. The entire time I was doing my "part-time living", I never think about when this will all come storming back into my life and when it does, I go into shut down mode, both physically and mentally. Part of that is because I am sick and part of that is because my mind cannot take the overwhelming task of processing the loss and the difficult road that is ahead.

Once I come out of the numb state I enter my present state, depression. I am so blessed because I don't stay here long. But I do my fair share of crying, asking why and feeling alone. After a few weeks of depression, I enter a state of anger. I am angry at everyone. I am angry at God because He did this. I am angry at my parents because I have to depend on them to take care of the most personal of needs. I am angry at my sister because she works and has a boyfriend. I am angry at the world!

And then one day, I wake up and it is a new day and God says, "Hello, Heather, welcome back!" And I think, "I can do this, can't I God? You will help me." That is hope talking.

So my pattern of grief is like a triangle. With depression and anger at the bottom, feeding one another and hope being at the top and always being the end product. {Thank you Lord.}

So, I wrote all of that to say that Kelly pointed that God can use my depression and speak to me in the depths as well. When I am depressed, I push family and friends away. I build a high, protective wall and curl up safely behind it. I take myself out of the world that I can no longer participate in. It hurts less when I don't know what I am missing. Kelly said to me last week while we were discussing this bad coping mechanism that I have developed over the years, "Heather, you have to ask God what He is trying to tell you during the silence. Why does He want things quiet?" Her statement just keeps replaying in my head over and over again, like a broken tape. Then, I read the verse Psalm 46:10. "Be still and know that I AM GOD."

Maybe God is using my bad coping mechanism of pushing people and the world away by stepping in the place of those things and forcing me to realize that He and He alone is in charge of my life and destiny.

{I love my sweet Father. Even though, I don't understand what He is doing most of the time.}

{Photo from here.}