Six Months Later...

Hello dearest Friends! 

I'm still here and I'm still doing wonderfully well!

I am so happy to say that!

Six months since my last post. I have sooo many things to share! All VERY wonderful things! God's blessings continue to pour over me and wash me through and through. I have been thinking about my blog a lot lately. My blog is about hope; an anchor, a tool, an ointment, a promise. How can I leave my blog when I feel like so many of my dear friends prayed for me during my journey? My journey is far from over. I feel like I am just beginning in many ways. (So many ways!) I want to share hope from the other side too; not just from bed but from this great and wonderful world that I am able to live in now. I want to shout, "This is my God and this is what HE has done!" 

This summer was wonderful. I traveled constantly! Oh, such great joys!!

New Orleans, LA, Austin, Texas, Ft. Wayne, Indiana, Panama City, FL, San Francisco, CA
 

Or as I like to call it, "The Heather Thomas Celebration Tour"!!

 

Beignets at Cafe du Monde in New Orleans. I have always loved New Orleans but I decided during this trip that I love New Orleans during the day! The crazy people come out at night and it's just a different city. New Orleans in the day is magnificent! (You know because I am such an authority on travel and all.)

My best friend Kim and her roommate Jimmy. My travel companions to New Orleans and Austin. This was our only photo of the 3 of us during our entire trip. 

 

At my favorite restaurant in Austin, Shady Grove. It was yummy.

 See? Yummy!

Visiting Alex in Indiana!!! Alex and I met several years ago in Arizona and we haven't seen one another since then. It has been about 7 years! It was soooo wonderful to see her and meet her wonderful family!

She is one of my favorite people-ever! I always joked with Alex that she would be the first stop on "The Heather Thomas Celebration Tour". She was the second stop! :)

Beautiful beach trip with friends! 

 

 The first time I have had a tan in about 10 years!!

And the trip of all trips this Summer was a trip to San Francisco to visit the Polyvore team! Y'all it was amazing!! Just amazing!

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 At the airport. On my way! 

My hotel, The Valencia. It was jaw dropping

The famed, Santana Row. Just amazing.

At the Polyvore luncheon with Nadia and Jess.

The Polyvore Office!!! Soooo exciting to see in person!

The Polyvore Staff is truly amazing!! I can't say that enough. Polyvore has encouraged me so much over the years. It is a wonderful community and I am so proud to be a member. They sent me a beautiful Christmas present about 3 years ago because they read one of my blog posts! Not only did they bring a group of us to San Fransisco and treat us like queens but they also gave us a truly outrageous goody bag full of fantastic treats that only Polyvore could pull together! It was an honor and a wonderful to end the Summer!

 "Those who sow with tears
    will reap with songs of joy.

Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them"

Psalm 126: 5-6

I have so much more to share. But it will have to wait. This is much too long as it is. 

So much more good news to come!

 

an answer to my waiting.

A mighty answered prayer needs to be shared!!!

This prayer request has been answered! It is something that my family and I have prayed and hoped for, for 10 years now. Last Thursday, it was answered!

The new doctor in Atlanta has written orders for me to receive IV fluids several times a month. IV fluids have proven to be very helpful for me over the years but most doctors (and I not sure why!) do not want to prescribe this method of treatment. Because I do not respond well to medications, the fluids will help build blood volume, thus increasing blood pressure and help me feel a little better.

The IV fluids work fast and their effects are not drastic but I am less symptomatic when I receive fluids and I am generally more physically comfortable.  The effects of the fluids do not last very long, though. I will most likely get a 1 to 2 day reprieve from my most uncomfortable symptoms, like dizziness, faintness, headaches and nausea. Although, the fluids are not a cure-all, lets face it, a little bit of a good thing is better than nothing at all!

Needless to say, I am so happy and I can't wait to begin this new treatment.

Thank you for your diligent prayers my sweet friends. Praise God for His mercy and goodness.

When I was waiting quietly for the Lord, His heart was turned to me, and He gave ear to my cry.

 Psalm 40:1

A Busy Soul.

My soul is busy-I am not-but my soul is stirring and it won't seem to be still and look toward God. I can only seem to dwell on what is not.  There is a lot that isn't what I would like it to be. There is a lot that I wish was better. I am so tired of being in the bed. I am tired of being so dependent on my family. I am tired of feeling frozen in place while the entire world moves around. It is so frustrating. It is so defeating. I want so many things. I want to be in school. I want to drive again. I want to be able to exercise again. I want to play with Holly when she is being so cute and fiesty! I want to go out to the movies or to dinner with friends. I want to take a shower and not be in bed afterwards. I want all those things and I want them NOW!

And in the split second that I am fighting with God, myself, my body and feeling a bit of pity for myself, I am instantly reminded of what all I do have and I am able to do.

I can express myself. I can communicate my feelings almost effortless, whether writing or speaking.

I may not be able to play with Holly but she loves to snuggle. I can lay in bed with her all day and just pet her and love her.

I can bathe myself and take a bath by myself. There have been times when I haven't been able to do that but I am able to do that at the moment.

Even if I don't want to depend on my family, I have a wonderful family who is very dependable. I know whatever I need, whenever I need it, they are here for me.

I suppose it is all about perspective. Prespective and grattitude. I must keep those in my heart right now.

Finding my way back home.

"You have made know to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in Your presence.."

Psalm 16:11

I love my life. God has filled my heart with a pretty constant flow of optimism and hope for the future. He has also filled my life completely and totally with love and overwhelming sense of joy and happiness. I am so blessed beyond words and so undeserving. Yet, He has chosen to make me His child.
This verse was on the wall of the hospital yesterday when I went in for some tests. It really moved me. (Can you tell that I love the Psalms?) I thought to myself, "Wow, if God has blessed met this much and I have such joy now, imagine what it must be like if I were fully consumed by Him?"
I must confess that since I have returned home from the doctor and it didn't turn out the way I had wanted, I have returned to an old habit that I am terribly ashamed of. I have stopped talking to God. I don't want to talk to him. Like a spoiled child who is mad at their parents, I have chosen to run from Him instead of to Him. I want to run to bible and open and read a passage and go to Him in prayer but my stubborn, sinful soul refuses. I refuse. As shameful as this is to say, part of me feels, "Well, if You didn't make me feel better then I am not going to talk to You."
I am terribly embarrassed by this reaction but it is what I have done, all the same. I am trying desperately to overcome this but so far it has been to no avail. I felt that I must share this because I felt I would be a hypocrite otherwise. Over the last weeks so many of you have been such prayer warriors for me and I couldn't not share that I am struggling in my walk and prayer right now, when you all had been so quick to pray for me.

I am Wonderfully made. Pt. 2.

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:13-14

for the full Psalm, please go here.

Part 2

Thanks for staying tuned. Thank you for being part of this journey and allowing me to share my thoughts with you.

My Mom has always done something to me and my sister after we got in trouble for behaving badly and I just think it is wonderful. She has done it since we were little girls (and on occasions, stills does it now!). After the fires of an argument died down, she would come and take us by the hand and sit down with us. She would explain what we had done wrong and why in this particular situation, a personality trait or emotional outburst that we were prone to wasn't good for this given moment but she would go on to list all of the possible situations that the very thing that had gotten us into trouble, was a wonderful quality and how one day, it would be put to good use. And that is sort of how I think of God, when it comes to those pesky emotions or personality traits that I am sometimes too quick to act upon. He designed them to be used in the perfect situation and if I seek Him and stay within His hand and will, then He will allow those emotions and behaviors to be used perfectly, just the way He intended.

Not only did God create and perfectly weave together the cartilage in the joints of knees and elbows or allow our eye to adjust to the light perfectly by constricting and dilating the pupil just when it is necessary but He also created our emotions, our feelings, our hearts and souls-and He created them perfectly! He created me in His image.

Now, that is not to say that I use those emotions and feelings and react in the most perfect of ways because I do not. But God created me and He knows my secret thoughts and deepest desires-He knows them because I am His! I can get down on myself a lot because I know I am not perfect and I know that God should not love me but He does. He loves me and took me in as a child of God and a sister of Christ, just the way I was. And when the enemy is whispering into my heart, "Oh, don’t bother, you will never be good enough!", I remember that God created my brain and its ability to create thoughts, my heart and my desires and if I seek Him at every possible opportunity then those thoughts and desires will be more Christ-like and He can use them to glorify and praise Him!

In my psychology classes, we talk about a lot of theories regarding the mind and body. Are they connected? Are they separate operations? I tend to think they are separate entities that work together and one affects the other. I do know that however God intended them to work; He created my mind and my body perfectly. So, whether my mental faculties aren’t where they should be or my physical body is not up to par; I will try to strive for better and try to remember to praise God for walking miracles that exists in each of us, everyday.

{photo from here.}

I am wonderfully made.

“For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

~Psalm 139:13-14

To read the entire of Psalm 139, please go here. It is beautiful.

Part 1

There something that I have learned over the years. It is something that I am not sure that I would have learned or respected had I not been sick. What I have learned is that our bodies are amazing, mysterious and sacred in the most glorious of ways. I don’t know that we always fully appreciate our earthly bodies and their exact synchrony until they aren’t working just right...well; I know it is true for me, anyway.

Today at the ripe old age of 26 and having a body that can feel older than my grandmothers at time makes me say, "Wow, Lord! You have designed a majestic form!" To think that God thought of EVERYTHING and designed our bodies to react accordingly is just mind-boggling! To the tiniest nerve in our fingers and toes and smallest ducts in our stomachs and livers, each system works together and allows us to be who we are and do the things we do and love.

An example of God’s perfect design is how our brains and hearts work together perfectly. (And in my case-not so perfectly!) Our brain can "sense" when we are standing and it quickly sends a message to our hearts, "Come on heart, gravity is pulling blood down to the legs and we need blood and oxygen, beat a little harder", and the heart listens, picks up your blood pressure and you walk down the hall, up the steps and into another room of your home to answer a phone or hug a loved one. And you never even think about how you got there because God already thought about it and told our bodies how to get there years ago, while we were still in "our mother's womb".

Our bodies are wonderful and sacred. Our bodies our God’s holy place. We can think of it as millions of little churches walking around each day and whether your body works just right or whether there are a few "kinks", God designed us magnificently and we need to praise Him everyday for loving us enough to create such a beautiful being as He did, when He created me and you!

Part 2 will be tomorrow. Stay tuned!

{photo from here.}

A Return of Hope.

"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."

Psalm 91:14-15

It is strange how one day I can be so down but the next I can feel so uplifted. I can feel your prayers. Thank you to everyone who prayed to our heavenly Father for me. I know that my Father is the same today as He was yesterday and centuries ago. He is with me, even when I can't feel Him. Isn't Hope an amazing thing? The enemy likes to whisper fears and lies into my heart and sometimes they take hold. But I have a whole army that battles him in prayers and love.

We are having stormy weather here today because of the tropical storm in the gulf and I am like a human barometer, so I am feeling pretty poorly today but I wanted to share that my spirit is good today. i feel love and warmth from all directions-most especially from my Father. Thank you all for joining me in the journey.

On the floor with me.

"But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish."

Psalm 9:18

Hi everyone. I hope you all had really nice weeks and that you all have great weekends! I am kind of bummed about the weather here in Alabama. It has been in the high 70's all week & that is just not fun! It is November and I am ready to wear my pretty sweaters and winter shoes. You know? Oh, well, that is Sweet Home Alabama for ya!

On the health front, things are pretty bad. I haven't been this sick in a long time; a really long time. It makes me sad but at the same time I am kind of too sick to care right now. I am fainting a lot! (Never, never good.) I have fainted 4 days this week. It is kind of scary because even though I have fainted off and on for at least 10 years now, I always had warning signs before and could get to a safe place and lay down. For the past year, I have been fainting without warning. The fainting subsided for several months but it has come back with a vengeance over the last two weeks.

I think we may go see my specialist in Washington, DC again. It is strange though because part of me doesn't want to go. The past 3 times that I have been, I return home and still haven't improved. I told Mom that I just didn't want the disappointment of traveling so far and being so sick from traveling and being away from home and once again, nothings helps. Ah! Frustration!

I must say though, my family is just seriously beyond words, amazing. I think the best way to explain how wonderful my family is to me, is to share a story with you. (Don't worry, it is short.)

I have fainted two weekends in a row now. This past Saturday I was going to my room and I was holding a drink and I just *BANG* fell on the floor. Apparently my cup and drink went flinging down the hall, covering the walls and ceiling. Oh, the drama I create! ha! After I regained consciousness and started becoming a little bit more aware of my surroundings, I looked down the hall and there was each one of my family members; my mom, dad, sister and aunt. They were all sitting in the hall, legs crossed, waiting for me to wake up. When I did, my aunt looked at me and said,

"Well, you were on the floor. So we all got on the floor with you."

And that my friends is the beauty and really the reality of how wonderful my family is. My aunt had no idea that she voiced an unspoken truth about the Thomas family. When I am sick, we are all sick. When I am happy, my family is over the moon for me. When I am in the trenches, my family is there fighting each day with me and sometimes fighting for me, when I can't. My family gets on the floor with me and stays there until I can come up again.

I am so blessed. God knew my path. He knew the road ahead and He sent me these amazing individuals that are daily example of God's love and mercy. They are my rock. They are my breath. They are my family.

Christmas Morning 2007

Just a quick hello from bed.

I couldn't stay away for long. I can't sleep. So I thought I would drop by my blog and wish the world a hello! Have a wonderful week! Check this out!


I just love this necklace. It can be found at the lovely little shop of the website, (In)Courage. I really want it! I love jewelry, especially necklaces. It is designed by Lisa Leonard and she was inspired by a piece of scripture that I love!

"Be strong and take courage, all you who hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24

Be still.

"Be still and know that I am God."

-Psalm 46:10

After being sick for several years, my illness may not be predictable but my pattern of grief is. I am very fortunate that my parents were wise enough to know that I needed to learn to deal with being sick, early on. I have been seeing the most wonderful and compassionate Christian counselor, Kelly for over 10 years now. I don't have to go to her on a continuous basis. In fact, sometimes, it may be a couple of years and I don't go at all but there are other times when I go for long periods of time and I need her to listen and encourage. She is a huge reason for my choosing to become a Licensed Professional Counselor.

Everyone grieves differently. Every one's grief has a different time line. As I said, with the help of my wonderful family and Kelly, my grief pattern is very predictable. Because being sick is such a roller coaster and I may go months and be relatively symptom free and live "part-time" as I like to call it, when my Dysautonomia begins to take over my life again, it is almost a shock. The entire time I was doing my "part-time living", I never think about when this will all come storming back into my life and when it does, I go into shut down mode, both physically and mentally. Part of that is because I am sick and part of that is because my mind cannot take the overwhelming task of processing the loss and the difficult road that is ahead.

Once I come out of the numb state I enter my present state, depression. I am so blessed because I don't stay here long. But I do my fair share of crying, asking why and feeling alone. After a few weeks of depression, I enter a state of anger. I am angry at everyone. I am angry at God because He did this. I am angry at my parents because I have to depend on them to take care of the most personal of needs. I am angry at my sister because she works and has a boyfriend. I am angry at the world!

And then one day, I wake up and it is a new day and God says, "Hello, Heather, welcome back!" And I think, "I can do this, can't I God? You will help me." That is hope talking.

So my pattern of grief is like a triangle. With depression and anger at the bottom, feeding one another and hope being at the top and always being the end product. {Thank you Lord.}

So, I wrote all of that to say that Kelly pointed that God can use my depression and speak to me in the depths as well. When I am depressed, I push family and friends away. I build a high, protective wall and curl up safely behind it. I take myself out of the world that I can no longer participate in. It hurts less when I don't know what I am missing. Kelly said to me last week while we were discussing this bad coping mechanism that I have developed over the years, "Heather, you have to ask God what He is trying to tell you during the silence. Why does He want things quiet?" Her statement just keeps replaying in my head over and over again, like a broken tape. Then, I read the verse Psalm 46:10. "Be still and know that I AM GOD."

Maybe God is using my bad coping mechanism of pushing people and the world away by stepping in the place of those things and forcing me to realize that He and He alone is in charge of my life and destiny.

{I love my sweet Father. Even though, I don't understand what He is doing most of the time.}

{Photo from here.}

Walking Through the Valley

"The pathway is broken And The signs are unclear And I don't know the reason why You brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to."

lyrics to "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens

I am often moved by songs. I think it comes from my Mother. She always finds great hope and peace in a hymn or worship song. It is not uncommon to see her shed tears after connecting with powerful lyrics. This song has always touched me. It always seems to bring tears to my eyes because its words are like a prayer that my own mind could not form and when I hear it, I feel like God hears my prayer.
I was thinking the other day about walking through the valleys and walking on the mountains. I was thinking about the features of a deep valley and those of a majestic mountain.
A mountain is rough, hard and cold. It has jagged edges that seem to come from nowhere and rip into you. If you climb a mountain you are dangling and depending on rope and spikes to help you reach the top. But once you reach the top their is no view that could compare. You are close to the sun and the clouds are so close you think you could reach up and grab a hold to one.
A valley is fertile. It has springs and vegetation. Birds fly high and the grass grows thick. The colors are abound and it is a place of rest. In the valley, there is life; there is beauty.
So you see, God has planted my feet in the valley, where life flourishes and there is not far to fall. I think about a verse, Psalm 119:17, "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees." Now, please, do not get me wrong, I am not thankful for this affliction but I am thankful that God can use my illness to teach me. If I had my way, I would be taking much easier path to learn from but I must have faith that God has plans for me , plans that may forever be unseen. I am thankful that He has chosen to plant me in the fertile valley. And sometimes -a lot of times-when I am barely crawling through the valley and begging to reach the top of the mountain's peak, I remember that God is on the mountain and in the valley and for now, I must have faith that I will bare the fruit of God's fertile valley.

{image from here.}