Finding my way back home.

"You have made know to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in Your presence.."

Psalm 16:11

I love my life. God has filled my heart with a pretty constant flow of optimism and hope for the future. He has also filled my life completely and totally with love and overwhelming sense of joy and happiness. I am so blessed beyond words and so undeserving. Yet, He has chosen to make me His child.
This verse was on the wall of the hospital yesterday when I went in for some tests. It really moved me. (Can you tell that I love the Psalms?) I thought to myself, "Wow, if God has blessed met this much and I have such joy now, imagine what it must be like if I were fully consumed by Him?"
I must confess that since I have returned home from the doctor and it didn't turn out the way I had wanted, I have returned to an old habit that I am terribly ashamed of. I have stopped talking to God. I don't want to talk to him. Like a spoiled child who is mad at their parents, I have chosen to run from Him instead of to Him. I want to run to bible and open and read a passage and go to Him in prayer but my stubborn, sinful soul refuses. I refuse. As shameful as this is to say, part of me feels, "Well, if You didn't make me feel better then I am not going to talk to You."
I am terribly embarrassed by this reaction but it is what I have done, all the same. I am trying desperately to overcome this but so far it has been to no avail. I felt that I must share this because I felt I would be a hypocrite otherwise. Over the last weeks so many of you have been such prayer warriors for me and I couldn't not share that I am struggling in my walk and prayer right now, when you all had been so quick to pray for me.

Our hour of splendor

"What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind..."

Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood

by William Wordsworth

{Photo from here.}

You may recognize this stanza from Wordworth's beautiful poem from the film, Splendor in the Grass, starring Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty. (A great film. I highly recommend it!)

I have always been fond of these particular lines of Wordsworth work. It is a very long piece but there is something about it that I have always gravitated to. If you would like to read Wordsworth's entire piece, please click here.

These lines can speak to anyone. At anytime in their life. At any point in their journey. As humans we all face joy and suffering. I think Wordsworth has a simple truth, that has humans who will all face struggles and triumphs, we must remember: there are happy moments in our lives, fleeting and precious, we must treasure our times of joy forever-especially when we are facing trials. We must hold on to the happy moments in our pasts. We must remember those warm smiles and joyful laughter shared with others, while facing struggles. We must allow those moments to "give us strength" to keep us going through our day so that we can stumble across a new happy moment and create new happy memories. We cannot grieve for what is no longer present. We cannot grieve for what was or what we have lost. If we spend too much time in the depths of sorrow of what we once knew, we become bitter and angry. And bitterness simply takes over the heart and soul, making it difficult to see the simple joys that are in your life.

So remember, allow yourself to think back to old days, to your old self but do not grieve for days past but draw strength and courage from those days for today and tomorrow.

"The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job 1:21