"You have made know to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in Your presence.."I love my life. God has filled my heart with a pretty constant flow of optimism and hope for the future. He has also filled my life completely and totally with love and overwhelming sense of joy and happiness. I am so blessed beyond words and so undeserving. Yet, He has chosen to make me His child.
This verse was on the wall of the hospital yesterday when I went in for some tests. It really moved me. (Can you tell that I love the Psalms?) I thought to myself, "Wow, if God has blessed met this much and I have such joy now, imagine what it must be like if I were fully consumed by Him?"
I must confess that since I have returned home from the doctor and it didn't turn out the way I had wanted, I have returned to an old habit that I am terribly ashamed of. I have stopped talking to God. I don't want to talk to him. Like a spoiled child who is mad at their parents, I have chosen to run from Him instead of to Him. I want to run to bible and open and read a passage and go to Him in prayer but my stubborn, sinful soul refuses. I refuse. As shameful as this is to say, part of me feels, "Well, if You didn't make me feel better then I am not going to talk to You."
I am terribly embarrassed by this reaction but it is what I have done, all the same. I am trying desperately to overcome this but so far it has been to no avail. I felt that I must share this because I felt I would be a hypocrite otherwise. Over the last weeks so many of you have been such prayer warriors for me and I couldn't not share that I am struggling in my walk and prayer right now, when you all had been so quick to pray for me.