Friday, December 18, 2009

Finding my way back home.

"You have made know to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in Your presence.."
Psalm 16:11

I love my life. God has filled my heart with a pretty constant flow of optimism and hope for the future. He has also filled my life completely and totally with love and overwhelming sense of joy and happiness. I am so blessed beyond words and so undeserving. Yet, He has chosen to make me His child.
This verse was on the wall of the hospital yesterday when I went in for some tests. It really moved me. (Can you tell that I love the Psalms?) I thought to myself, "Wow, if God has blessed met this much and I have such joy now, imagine what it must be like if I were fully consumed by Him?"
I must confess that since I have returned home from the doctor and it didn't turn out the way I had wanted, I have returned to an old habit that I am terribly ashamed of. I have stopped talking to God. I don't want to talk to him. Like a spoiled child who is mad at their parents, I have chosen to run from Him instead of to Him. I want to run to bible and open and read a passage and go to Him in prayer but my stubborn, sinful soul refuses. I refuse. As shameful as this is to say, part of me feels, "Well, if You didn't make me feel better then I am not going to talk to You."
I am terribly embarrassed by this reaction but it is what I have done, all the same. I am trying desperately to overcome this but so far it has been to no avail. I felt that I must share this because I felt I would be a hypocrite otherwise. Over the last weeks so many of you have been such prayer warriors for me and I couldn't not share that I am struggling in my walk and prayer right now, when you all had been so quick to pray for me.


Yasmin said...

Oh Heather, I can empathize - I've been there! I know you've probably heard it a million times before, that God's ways are not our ways but sometimes we need to speak God's truth to ourselves.

One verse we memorized a couple of months ago in Bible study is Romans 8:32: "He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?" I've been thinking about this verse a lot lately, especially when it seems like God is far. I remind myself of this truth - that His will and his ways are superior to mine, and that Jesus's death for my sins is sufficient demonstration of God's love - everything else is 'icing', right? He does all things right (for His glory and our good) and we can trust Him.

One thing I will encourage is to speak to God - much the same way you've shared your heart with us, just do the same with God, even if you don't 'feel' like it.

Leaving you in His gentle care,


(sorry for the long comment!)

Saralee said...

I LOVE your heart my dear sweet friend!
Getting angry with or mad at God can be a good thing, because in those times it allows Him to comfort you. You bare your heart and soul and he feels your every pain. The best part is . . . He is always there the instant you come back!
Have a wonderful and happy Christmas!

quietspirit said...

We have these times because we are human. God understands this about us. He waits for us with open arms when we return to Him.

The Pilston's said...

It's so much easier to encourgae other's and believe that God will show up in their circumstances, than it is for us to believe He will do that for us. Why is that? He loves you, and so do I!

Jenni / Jennifer Saake said...


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