I am still.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:13-14

As I have said in a previous post, the Lord is asking me to be still. He is using my quiet surroundings to mold me, to refine me. I cry out to Him and He continues to point me to the way of stillness. After Kelly asked me to turn to God and seek Him during this time of heavy grieving and mourning, His voice seems to be more clear than I have heard in years. I am still. My heart can hear Him now.

I am very sad. I am very lonely. I am fighting tears and anger with each moment. My cry to God is that He takes THIS away. I want a break, God. Just one moment during my day when I am not tired, when I am not sick to my stomach, when my joints do not hurt, when I do not have a migraine. I don't want to recover from eating breakfast at the table. I don't want to rest after I take a shower. I don't want to have to lay in my bed in dark silence because I am simply too tired and too weak to open my eyes. God! Take this away! That is what my heart screams. .

So, I am still. I have tried hard to not turn away from God but turn to Him. (Which, I will say, has not always been the case in the past.) God answers my cries with "Be still."

He first asked me to Be Still in my counselor, Kelly's office several weeks ago.

Then earlier this week, I started a new devotional, Streams in the Desert. Each devotion is dated, and I began with October 26. My first devotion was focused on the scripture from Matthew 14:23, "After he had dismissed them, He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone...". Again, God showed me that even Christ was alone. Even Christ had to Be Still.

And today, God reminded me a third time, that for whatever reason, this is a time for me to Be Still. I keep a journal beside my bed and when I come across a piece of scripture I write it down in my journal. When I need to be replenished in the word of the Lord, I can get my journal and find a verse that usually comforts me. Today, I was flipping through my journal and I stopped on the page with the verse found in Exodus. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to BE STILL."

The verse from Exodus really seem to finally convince my mind what my heart already knew. I need to be still for however long God needs me to be so that His power, grace and mercy can work in my life. I have cried so hard this week. I have cried alone and with my family. I have cried out to God out of pure desperation. My tears this week have been because I am tired of fighting this fight. It always seems to win. I never feel like I can get ahead. So, when God showed me this verse today, not only was I remind once again to be still but I was reminded that I am not in this battle alone. He is fighting my illness for me.