Thursday, November 18, 2010

So Far Away

{Warning} Proceed at your own risk.

Well, It seems as though I have abandoned ship and left my blog all to its lonesome. The truth is that I have come to this page and began typing so many times but end with a blank page and a smudged delete key.

I have been sad. So sad and deeply depressed. More so than I have ever been in many years.. I haven't been able to bring myself to type the self-absorbed and putrid words that swirl through my head.

There is a battle within me that I must be happy... I must be hopeful... I must not be bitter... BUT...
sometimes I am miserable and hopelessness is all I feel and bitterness has become a foul taste in my mouth lately.

This blog is called, Prescription of Hope. Can I post here when I am so far from hope that I don't know how to take my next breath? Can I plunge into the abyss and cover this page when nothing but my deepest and darkest fears?

Depression is a terrible thing on so many levels.

I was so overwhelmed two weeks ago that I fell to my knees in tears and just sobbed to God. My words were jumbled and incoherent. It was such an honest prayer, though. I needed God to show Himself to me; despite that I have been running so far away from Him. I needed to be reminded that He loves me and that He is not doing this to me. (Despite what the horrid voice of depression seems to scream daily.)

I think sometimes I treat my prayers as though I am shaking one of those Magic 8 Balls and with one eye open and my fingers crossed, wondering if God is in a good enough mood to answer my prayer. How screwed up is that?!

Everywhere has become a sad place. There seems to be no safe harbor. No place to run and hide and make it all go away. Facebook has become an evil place! (Just kidding...sort of.) I rarely get on anymore because all I see are people getting married and having babies. And what makes me sad is my reaction. I am not happy for them. I am jealous. I am angry. But what I really am is wounded and hurt. I am just tired of missing out and watching from the sidelines.

{image from here}


Yasmin said...

Dear Heather, I am so thankful for your honesty (your words reflect my own state of mind on some days) and so sad also that you are going through this. It is sometimes hard to remember that God's Word is more real than our own 'reality' - our thoughts and feelings. How do you cling to the Invisible when the visible pulls so strongly in another direction? Faith is indeed a hard road to travel ...

The Pilston's said...

I so remember feeling that way when reading FB, just another reminder of what I was missing out on. My heart breaks for you, but know that i am praying too. I know God has big things planned and I love seeing Him use you to reach the world.

Kelly said...

Ugh, I know exactly how you feel, Heather! It sucks. Hang in there ;)
We need to talk soon, I will call you this week.
<3 you

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