So Far Away

{Warning} Proceed at your own risk.

Well, It seems as though I have abandoned ship and left my blog all to its lonesome. The truth is that I have come to this page and began typing so many times but end with a blank page and a smudged delete key.

I have been sad. So sad and deeply depressed. More so than I have ever been in many years.. I haven't been able to bring myself to type the self-absorbed and putrid words that swirl through my head.

There is a battle within me that I must be happy... I must be hopeful... I must not be bitter... BUT...

sometimes I am miserable and hopelessness is all I feel and bitterness has become a foul taste in my mouth lately.

This blog is called, Prescription of Hope. Can I post here when I am so far from hope that I don't know how to take my next breath? Can I plunge into the abyss and cover this page when nothing but my deepest and darkest fears?

Depression is a terrible thing on so many levels.

I was so overwhelmed two weeks ago that I fell to my knees in tears and just sobbed to God. My words were jumbled and incoherent. It was such an honest prayer, though. I needed God to show Himself to me; despite that I have been running so far away from Him. I needed to be reminded that He loves me and that He is not doing this to me. (Despite what the horrid voice of depression seems to scream daily.)

I think sometimes I treat my prayers as though I am shaking one of those Magic 8 Balls and with one eye open and my fingers crossed, wondering if God is in a good enough mood to answer my prayer. How screwed up is that?!

Everywhere has become a sad place. There seems to be no safe harbor. No place to run and hide and make it all go away. Facebook has become an evil place! (Just kidding...sort of.) I rarely get on anymore because all I see are people getting married and having babies. And what makes me sad is my reaction. I am not happy for them. I am jealous. I am angry. But what I really am is wounded and hurt. I am just tired of missing out and watching from the sidelines.

{image from here}