Thursday, April 21, 2011

plans meet reality


"Many are the plans of man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose will prevail."
Proverbs 19:21

This is the verse that I memorized for the Siesta Scripture Memory Team  . I find myself repeating it out loud all through out the day.

I just turned 28 and I have said before, while celebrating birthdays and other important holidays, I cannot help but linger for a moment on the sadness that such time has passed by.

I thought 28 was so old. I thought that I would be married and possibly have a child. Graduating college wasn't on the list of possibilities; it was a given. And of course I would be working. What else would I be doing?  I would be living on my own and in my own home.
I would be nearly 30, after all.
Who still lives with their parents at the age? ...gasps...

These weren't goals. They were my plans.  It was my road map for becoming an adult.
It is what you did. It is what everyone did.

I wish that I could say that in all of the years that have passed and in my struggles to have my reality and my dreams meet somewhere in the middle, that I had a found a new definition for myself and what makes me valuable and what makes me worthy. But I haven't. I still find it difficult to not measure who I am with the person that I think that I should be.
And let me tell you. I do not measure up.

No matter what the reason, I am terrified to my core that I have still not finished college, or met someone special or moved out of my parents' home.

What kind of person am I?
The answer is, I don't know.

I try to reconcile with my old self and my old plans but they never meet. Never seem to fit.

I catch myself to talking to God, angrily. Demanding that He change all this. Begging him to give me my dreams back. I scream that I don't want His plan; I want my own plans. I must digress to His greatness.

It is a moment by moment struggle. These last few weeks have been so hard. I shudder when I think that I have spent most of April in the bed with the blinds pulled tight.
Time is slipping further and further away and my heart hurts for what I want for myself and what I feel God has just left me with.





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4 comments:

Tracy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tracy said...

Heather...! I hate to see you beating yourself up like this.

"Should" is not relevant here. You are not in the place that you are because you have failed in any way. You ask, "What kind of person am I?" I have read just a few of your posts, but I see a tremendous sense of gratitude, while at the same
time a great willingness to be authentic about your struggles. God values character: who we are, not our achievements.

God calls some of us to walk a long, dark road, way off the road map that others follow. Why this is, I don't know. I do believe that He sees all of our tears and frustration, and that it touches Him deeply. I also think that no suffering is ever wasted. We may not know why for a long time, or at all on this earth, but I firmly believe that it all matters.

I have made plans of my own and found that life took a sharp left turn. I have had untreatable sleep apnea for 20 years and have not been able to work most of that time. I have no husband, no kids, no job, although I do have a house. I too have struggled with a sense of purpose and self-worth. Like you, I don't have any real answer as to why this happened, or what it is specifically that I'm supposed to do, but I do know that our #1 purpose is to glorify God in whatever shape it ends up taking. For you, some of that may well be writing this blog. For every person who leaves a comment, there are possibly many others who are blessed by what you write, and you may never know what impact it has had.

Just know this: Jesus has already made you worthy. On the days that you feel your absolute worst, you are valuable to Him just exactly as you are.

quietspirit said...

Heather:
We can't always have things the way we envision. But we can trust God, the great envisioner, to help us through the pitfalls of our lives.
I attended college three years, I took some classes through a state vocational technical school.
I worked for 2 1/2 years, had a son, stayed home taking care of him. Returned to work and worked 10 years. Was out of the marketplace for 20 years. Worked a little over 3 1/2 years before my health got in the way.
I learned a lot about who I am in these times of apparent hardships. God has still been there for me, even though sometimes I doubted it.
He's there for you, even while you are ill.

Erin said...

Oh girl, that verse is so great. It's definitely going to be one of my Siesta verses soon. Such a great reminder!

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