I am Wonderfully made. Pt. 2.

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:13-14

for the full Psalm, please go here.

Part 2

Thanks for staying tuned. Thank you for being part of this journey and allowing me to share my thoughts with you.

My Mom has always done something to me and my sister after we got in trouble for behaving badly and I just think it is wonderful. She has done it since we were little girls (and on occasions, stills does it now!). After the fires of an argument died down, she would come and take us by the hand and sit down with us. She would explain what we had done wrong and why in this particular situation, a personality trait or emotional outburst that we were prone to wasn't good for this given moment but she would go on to list all of the possible situations that the very thing that had gotten us into trouble, was a wonderful quality and how one day, it would be put to good use. And that is sort of how I think of God, when it comes to those pesky emotions or personality traits that I am sometimes too quick to act upon. He designed them to be used in the perfect situation and if I seek Him and stay within His hand and will, then He will allow those emotions and behaviors to be used perfectly, just the way He intended.

Not only did God create and perfectly weave together the cartilage in the joints of knees and elbows or allow our eye to adjust to the light perfectly by constricting and dilating the pupil just when it is necessary but He also created our emotions, our feelings, our hearts and souls-and He created them perfectly! He created me in His image.

Now, that is not to say that I use those emotions and feelings and react in the most perfect of ways because I do not. But God created me and He knows my secret thoughts and deepest desires-He knows them because I am His! I can get down on myself a lot because I know I am not perfect and I know that God should not love me but He does. He loves me and took me in as a child of God and a sister of Christ, just the way I was. And when the enemy is whispering into my heart, "Oh, don’t bother, you will never be good enough!", I remember that God created my brain and its ability to create thoughts, my heart and my desires and if I seek Him at every possible opportunity then those thoughts and desires will be more Christ-like and He can use them to glorify and praise Him!

In my psychology classes, we talk about a lot of theories regarding the mind and body. Are they connected? Are they separate operations? I tend to think they are separate entities that work together and one affects the other. I do know that however God intended them to work; He created my mind and my body perfectly. So, whether my mental faculties aren’t where they should be or my physical body is not up to par; I will try to strive for better and try to remember to praise God for walking miracles that exists in each of us, everyday.

{photo from here.}

I am wonderfully made.

“For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

~Psalm 139:13-14

To read the entire of Psalm 139, please go here. It is beautiful.

Part 1

There something that I have learned over the years. It is something that I am not sure that I would have learned or respected had I not been sick. What I have learned is that our bodies are amazing, mysterious and sacred in the most glorious of ways. I don’t know that we always fully appreciate our earthly bodies and their exact synchrony until they aren’t working just right...well; I know it is true for me, anyway.

Today at the ripe old age of 26 and having a body that can feel older than my grandmothers at time makes me say, "Wow, Lord! You have designed a majestic form!" To think that God thought of EVERYTHING and designed our bodies to react accordingly is just mind-boggling! To the tiniest nerve in our fingers and toes and smallest ducts in our stomachs and livers, each system works together and allows us to be who we are and do the things we do and love.

An example of God’s perfect design is how our brains and hearts work together perfectly. (And in my case-not so perfectly!) Our brain can "sense" when we are standing and it quickly sends a message to our hearts, "Come on heart, gravity is pulling blood down to the legs and we need blood and oxygen, beat a little harder", and the heart listens, picks up your blood pressure and you walk down the hall, up the steps and into another room of your home to answer a phone or hug a loved one. And you never even think about how you got there because God already thought about it and told our bodies how to get there years ago, while we were still in "our mother's womb".

Our bodies are wonderful and sacred. Our bodies our God’s holy place. We can think of it as millions of little churches walking around each day and whether your body works just right or whether there are a few "kinks", God designed us magnificently and we need to praise Him everyday for loving us enough to create such a beautiful being as He did, when He created me and you!

Part 2 will be tomorrow. Stay tuned!

{photo from here.}

-Temporary-

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I enjoy this verse. I know I say that about most all of the verses I share, though. This one is the first one in my journal with verses. It reminds me to be patient (which I am not very good at) and to trust God (which I don't always do) However, I love this verse because it sums up God's promise to us once we accept salvation. It is a reminder of that big, GOLD medal at the end of the race, even if during that race I face hardship and heartbreak...these things are just seconds really, when compared to the world and glory God has prepared for me that will last forever and ever and ever.
But a particular part of this verse also resonates with me on another level. "So we fix our eyes no on what is seen but what is unseen". When people see me out, they see a happy, smiling girl with make-up on and my hair fixed. What is unseen is that my mother had to wash and dry my hair. My sister rolled my hair and put on my make-up. I meet for dinner and everyone sees me laughing and shaking my head as they tell me about their lives. What they don't see is my shame and embarrassment. I feel like an outsider. They don't see me trying to grasp for any part of their conversation to join. I feel like I am immature and I can't relate. When I say goodbye to my friends after leaving a small party or dinner, they don't see me sneak a pill for a headache or for nausea because I have been sitting up too long. They don't see my tears in the car as I leave because at 26, I still just want to be like "everyone else." People see my cute clothes that I have on while I am out but what is unseen is my Dad waiting on me when I get home. He meets me at the car and gets my purse. He has my pajamas laying on my bed. My Mom helps me undress and my Dad gathers up my clothes and puts them away.

People don't believe that I am sick because they see me happy and laughing, dressed, hair and make-up done. What is unseen is the effort to get me that way and the price that is paid for enjoying those few hours out of bed....but then I remember that...

"Though outwardly I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed inwardly day by day. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal!"

So, this post is meant to say two things. One is that if you are suffering a hardship or heartache of any kind, remember that pain is only temporary! The gift of the Cross is that one day we will be taken to Heaven and there will be no pain or grief. Secondly, remember as Kelly said, looks can be deceiving. We don't always know a person's whole story and we mustn't jump to conclusions! (I'm speaking to myself here, too!)

My sister, Haley, Me & our hostess, Darrah.
Haley, Beth, Me & Darrah

PS: Speaking of friends, here are some photos from an evening with GREAT friends on Friday.

I am still.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:13-14

As I have said in a previous post, the Lord is asking me to be still. He is using my quiet surroundings to mold me, to refine me. I cry out to Him and He continues to point me to the way of stillness. After Kelly asked me to turn to God and seek Him during this time of heavy grieving and mourning, His voice seems to be more clear than I have heard in years. I am still. My heart can hear Him now.

I am very sad. I am very lonely. I am fighting tears and anger with each moment. My cry to God is that He takes THIS away. I want a break, God. Just one moment during my day when I am not tired, when I am not sick to my stomach, when my joints do not hurt, when I do not have a migraine. I don't want to recover from eating breakfast at the table. I don't want to rest after I take a shower. I don't want to have to lay in my bed in dark silence because I am simply too tired and too weak to open my eyes. God! Take this away! That is what my heart screams. .

So, I am still. I have tried hard to not turn away from God but turn to Him. (Which, I will say, has not always been the case in the past.) God answers my cries with "Be still."

He first asked me to Be Still in my counselor, Kelly's office several weeks ago.

Then earlier this week, I started a new devotional, Streams in the Desert. Each devotion is dated, and I began with October 26. My first devotion was focused on the scripture from Matthew 14:23, "After he had dismissed them, He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone...". Again, God showed me that even Christ was alone. Even Christ had to Be Still.

And today, God reminded me a third time, that for whatever reason, this is a time for me to Be Still. I keep a journal beside my bed and when I come across a piece of scripture I write it down in my journal. When I need to be replenished in the word of the Lord, I can get my journal and find a verse that usually comforts me. Today, I was flipping through my journal and I stopped on the page with the verse found in Exodus. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to BE STILL."

The verse from Exodus really seem to finally convince my mind what my heart already knew. I need to be still for however long God needs me to be so that His power, grace and mercy can work in my life. I have cried so hard this week. I have cried alone and with my family. I have cried out to God out of pure desperation. My tears this week have been because I am tired of fighting this fight. It always seems to win. I never feel like I can get ahead. So, when God showed me this verse today, not only was I remind once again to be still but I was reminded that I am not in this battle alone. He is fighting my illness for me.

Be strong. Be courageous.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you, wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

I feel that I must share that I am not strong and I am very much afraid. I question God's presence when I feel alone and lost in this big world. Where is He? Where is the Hope that I so long for? I cannot find Him. I cannot find the sense of this situation. I cannot find peace. My heart seems to cry out, "Oh, Lord God, please, please take this affliction from me. What good can come? Do I need to read my bible more? Do I need to be kinder to others? Do I need to listen more? Oh, Lord God, what must I do for this to go away? What must I do to try and persuade You to take this affliction from me? Are You there? Do you care?"

At this moment this is what my heart cries. As I reach the 10 year mark of my illness. I am overwhelmed and honestly in a state of shock. How is it possible than 10 years has come and gone? I feel that the whole world is moving so fast and my feet are firmly planted in cement and I cannot move. Like a bad dream, I am running and running but I can't reach what I am looking for. What I am looking for is a diploma, a career, a family and home of my own.

But then I think of this verse and realize that I am indeed, NOT alone! Far from it. As a matter of fact, Jesus weeps with me. Because He lived on this earth and knows my pain. He knows affliction and He felt alone and forsaken on the cross.

And so in the process of free association, I begin with the question, "God, where are you?" And He answers, "I am here. I am wherever you go." "But why God? Why me? What good can ever come from this suffering?" And then a verse comes to mind and I am humbled and feel the presence of Jesus in right beside me.

The night before Jesus was arrested and sentenced to death. He prayed. He prayed all night. He prayed so hard to His Faather and He wept because He knew the debt that was to be paid. And He prayed to our Heavenly Father and said,

"Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away, unless I drink it, may Your will be done."

(Matthew 26:42& 26:39, Luke 22:42).

See, Jesus knew that all though He had to endure suffering, God was in control. Jesus knew that, God was with Him wherever He went. So I pray that God reminds me to be strong and to not fear the unknown. Because, wherever I go-whether it is soaring the sky and reaching my dreams or at home and bedridden, confused and hurt-my Lord God is with me. Always.

He is with you too.