Birthdays and the Passage of Time

I am sure you are tired of me talking about it but my birthday is tomorrow and (big gulp) I will be 27. I am most certainly aware of the time that has passed-birthdays have a way of doing that to us. I feel silly that I get upset as each birthday approaches but it never fails, despite my excitement there is an overwhelming sadness that I have to fight back. Your birthday is concrete and unflinching, unforgiving you might say. It is a date that comes each year, the same time and same place and that day remind of what we have-or have not-accomplished in the past year. A birthday marks one year that has flown away into the sunset. I can never get this past year back, let alone the last 10 years. I can never go back and I can never capture those lost moments and lost opportunities. ; Those feelings of 'less' creep into my mind and heart as my birthday approaches. 27? Really? What is there to show for it? How can I just loose a decade of my life so fast and so cruelly?

But as I said, I do fight for the excitement and celebration of my life. (And despite the bad days, I have a wonderful life!) I am reminded each birthday that there is a new beginning and new possiblities for the upcoming year. I am reminded every day of the love and blessings that I have been given. My birthday this year will be a day to spend with the people I love the most and see that love in action.

I guess this year I might not celebrate what I did do last year but I can celebrate and hope for what I can do this year.

So, here is to the upcoming weekend's celebration with cupcakes and Lorina Lemonade! :)

photo from here

Lessons of Love

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Unconditional is uncircumstantial.

Okay, I don't think uncircumstantial is really a word but I think you get what I mean.

Uncondtional love knows no boundaries, circumstances or situations. It is just present in your life; regardless of what you are or what you have done-or not done, Love is all consuming and all encompassing. I have learned that.

My family loves me when I am being mean and angry at the world (they may not like me at that moment, though!). They love me when I am feeling good and make promises to them that I 'forget' about when I get tired and put their needs aside. They love me when I don't love myself. They love me when I become so wrapped up in myself and my needs that I become a horribly, selfish human being.

My family loves me enough to lay beside me on the floor until I wake up. They love me enough to take care of very personal needs when I cannot. They love me.  I love them so much it hurts.

Love is given to me in ways that can't explain its beginning or end. It has been my experience that love is quite tangible. It is tangible in the sense that it overtakes the soul and rushes the heart with warmth and security. It floods my mind with reminders of engulfing hugs and tears we shed together. I wish I could explain my feelings in a more sophisticated fashion but the perfect words seems to escape me.

This disorder, Dysautonomia, is such an unloveable disease-in every sense. It is so easy to hate and despise. Dysautonomia reaches out and taints everything about me and my world. No matter how hard I try to keep me and my disorder seperate, we come together and are one. Somehow-even when I cannot-my family is able to seperate the two. They manage to hate what the disorder has done but not hate me in the process (an accomplishment that I cannot claim to do).

We are just an ordinary family. We falter every day and we make mistakes and hurt each other but I think it is the fact that we can come back to beginning basis of any family, love, and that is what is remembered.

"No sin is so great but the satisfaction of Christ and His mercies are greater; it is beyond comparison. Fathers and mothers in tenderest affections are but beams and trains to lead us upwards to the infinite mercy of God in Christ." -Richard Sibbes

lessons of beauty.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

-Elisabeth Kubler Ross

The most beautiful people that I have ever met were those who had no hair because of chemo, where swollen and puffy because of steriod treatments, had limps because of bone pain due to Sickle Cell or were hiding a secret pain deep down in their hearts. Their beauty came in the form of radaint joy, wisdom beyond their years and love for others who were in need of a compassionate hug or supportive friend. That is beautiful.

An illness, a tragedy, any suffering for that matter, gives our eyes a new view of the world and especially a new view of people. There is nothing more beautiful than the reaching out and grabbing hold of a hand of someone in need. That unspoken bond that is there, saying, "I know your pain. I am here".

Suffering is suffering. Pain is pain. Loss is loss. Heartbreak is heartbreak. Longing is longing. There is no barometer for those feelings. There is no degree of pain. Pain, suffering, heartbreak, longing, they are simplly what they are. No more; no less. The greatest injustice we can do to ourselves and to others, is try and put those feelings of despair on a scale and compare one to another. It is impossible.

There are beautiful people all around us and in every second of our day. We just have to remember to stop for a moment and look at them.

Today, I am thankful for the beautfiul people in my life; near and far.

More Lessons

More lessons to share.

Painting by numbers…sort of.

So, I have decided that life is sort of like a painting by numbers kit. I love those things. One reason I like them is because I am a perfectionist and when you paint those, they usually turn out pretty good! But before you finish the painting, you know what it is supposed to look like, you know what you want it too look like but honestly, you don’t know how that picture is going to turn out until you have filled in the very last spot with your very last stroke. Well, God is the painter. He has a giant brush and day by day, moment by moment is stroking our lives with colors-and yeah not all of those colors are pretty but even those colors we don’t like, finish the picture. They finish our story. It is difficult to know that my “paint by numbers” story won’t be finished until I get to Heaven. (Well it is kind of hard but it is kind of exciting too.) But I have faith that God is a supreme artist and I try to remember to give Him charge of my life. (I fail miserably most of the time, though!)

photo from here

Learning a little each day.

Lessons. Part 1.

Being sick over the last decade has taught me a lot. Some of the things are silly and others are practical, while some lessons are life changing. If there is one thing that I can say about being sick it is that God has used each day to teach me something about myself, Him or the world around me.

Lesson 1
Lemons and Lemonade

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... and if you aren’t able to make the lemonade yourself, God does an awesome job!"

God makes the best lemonade! ha! And He can make it with some pretty rotten lemons, let me tell ya! There are so many stories (some that I hope to share) where God has brought wonderful people into my life or he has allowed me to experience once in lifetime moments. My family has grown so close. I have met the most beautiful souls over the years, who have been living examples of how to live with an illness and still have grace and dignity. I have been blessed by wonderful health care workers, including my counselor, Kelly. Who, has I have said before, was a huge influence on my career choice. God has such big plans for me and He can make them all work with my rotten lemons...Dysautonomia.

{photo from here}

Lesson 2

Being in a wheelchair can have its "perks" at times! ha!

Yes, you read that right. Aside from the obvious of being able to park right next to the door, with the wheelchair, I can wear any kind of shoe that I want! Three-inch heels; who cares?! A beautiful pair rubs my ankles; no big deal! Sitting-and not walking-allows me to indulge in my favorite accessories-shoes! Also, not walking allows me to keep my feet in great shape! When I go get a pedicure, the ladies are always speaking in their native language and they all come over and look at my feet. They pick them up and rub them, point to them, etc. So, finally one day, I asked, "What are you saying about me?" She said, "Oh, beautiful feet! So clean! How you keep so clean?!" Mom and I just laughed. See? I told you some lessons were silly!

"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news..."-Isaiah 52:7

Lesson 3

Hold on to happy memories. Make lots of happy memories!

I think this has been one of my greatest realizations-make and keep dear all the happy memories that you can. I have talked about how important I think this is to do previously. Keep them stored in a safe place deep in your heart and you use them on a really rainy day. The happy moments that you hold dear don’t have to be grand; they can be anything that even for a split second made you smile and made your heart flood with joy. When I am especially down and feeling bad, I unlock that door of happy memories and allow them to fill me. In an instant, I am "self-medicated" with smells and sensations from a wonderful moment that may have only lasted seconds but years later is helping me heal.

more to come but lets end this post right! ha!

love always. Heather & Holly