another week. another spell.

The fear that I have had for 13 years, that these spells would get worse and really take me for a turn has come true. And it is as awful as I imagined in my darkest moments.

Since last July, I have had 15 of them. That is more that I have had in the last 13 years combined. It is horrifying and they are slowly taking over my thoughts, my decisions and my happy moments. 

In a cruel twist of fate, a sign that a spell is imminent is that I have a surge of energy that is masked as a good day. Now even my good days are bittersweet because I am terrified of what the will bring.

Is this the night? Is another one going to happen?

  It has become a nasty, viscous cycle that is far beyond my control.

I had to go back to the hospital this week. Not a pleasant trip. 

This was the fourth attack of the month. 

And can I just say how completely unpleasant ER doctors are. My sister is in the medical profession and I understand that they have so many patients that need them at the same time that I do but still-treat me with respect. I am not a moron. I am at their mercy and deserve the same courtesy that they would give to a stranger outside of the hospital.

Just sayin'!

The GI doctor is no closer to the solving this puzzle. I have -because of my many trips to the ER this month- met every doctor in the practice! ha! They all seem very nice and Christ centered. 

I just had a small bowel series done on Friday. I had to drink yucky barium  (2 cups..ick!!) and they took X-Rays as it made its ways to my small bowel. I won't get the official results until this week but the kind X-Ray told me things looked good. 

I do have a colonoscopy scheduled for the 17th. I am NOT looking forward to that. Well, I am not looking forward to the preparation anyway! 

The doctor really thinks there may be some scar tissue from previous abdominal surgeries that could be causing some of the my stomach problems. We shall see.

And now for an honest and sad confession...

I try to be honest on my blog. I try to be transparent and share all that encompasses being sick-whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. And sometimes my truth is not very pretty.

I have found that bitter seed growing at Olympic speed. I find it more and more difficult to go to God as my loving Father. I feel anger towards Him. I feel coldness and resentment. I want Him to make this all go away this instant! I think about Job and how he lost everything and still thanked God-not only thanked God but fell to His knees in utter humbly praise and prayer. 

I think of Job and wonder how he was able to do that. 

I try at the end of each to thank God for at least one thing from my day but these last few weeks our conversations do not go beyond that. 

I am embarrassed to admit that horrible fact but it is true. 

I am trying to find my way back to Him and I hope that is an important first step. I do know that He is waiting for me.

Much love-

Bad Days...boo

 My nurse Carrie came yesterday and I got my weekly IV. I really like Carrie. She is so funny and super, super nice. When she starts my IVs she always gets on her knees and says that she is in "her praying position" and then continues to say that she needs to be in that praying position if she wants to get me on the first stick. Seriously, she makes me laugh. And she is able to get me the first time, now. Just in case in you wanted to know.

The IV hydration isn't helping like it was. It makes me kind of sad. I was getting about two days where I felt better but I don't seem to be getting those two days very much anymore. Maybe it is just the time of year because this is a bad time of year for me. Anyway...

The last few days have been kind of bad. Thank goodness for Zofran (nausea medicine), iPods and Christmas trees! Seriously, I love Christmas trees and I could just stare at mine all day, which basically is what Holly and I do.

And on a totally random sidenote-I heard on the nightly news that it is colder in Florida than in Maine! What?! So much for Glober Warming, I guess.

Merry Christmas!

Here and There

I think this post from last year, pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

However, this year, I am currently not having daily headaches and for that, I am so very thankful!

Basically I am here (here, being my bed) and I want to be there, (there being anywhere but here!).

I am trying daily to remind myself of what I am thankful for. I talk out loud and try to convince myself that today is going to be okay. But days are not okay here lately.

Here is not okay with me. This is not okay! I just want to feel better. How many times have I said that before on this blog? A lot! I just want to feel better.

Here are the things that I am thankful for!

my family. :)

Holly! Especially when she wakes up from a nap and comes up from the cover to greet me.

And I am also thankful that I have nice, warm bed to be sick in. Not everyone has that.

Friends

Books

Music

my iPod

the internet

my internet friends

i am also pretty excited but the upcoming fall weather!

hello again, world.

Hello Friends!

No, I haven't completely disappreared...close to it though! Lots of bad days lately but I know that I will see good ones again! I just wish that better days were here already...

Holly keeps me company and keeps me busy! ha! She has learned to "sit". Yay! We are working on "down". She is pretty stubborn and isn't fond of the down position AT ALL! We are starting puppy classes next Friday. I am soooo excited. The classes will last for 8 weeks. I signed up for the ones at PetSmart. They were super helpful and so nice! They don't mind that someone joins me (just in case I faint). They also said that working with Holly in the wheelchair wouldn't be a problem and we could teach her to walk on her leash beside the chair. How cool?! I am really excited about going, just in case you couldn't tell!

Anyway, as usual, I am behind on "life" in general. I get excited to actually get my hair washed these days! I miss your blogs and I hope to try and start getting online and visiting at least one a day and maybe catch up! I also have emails, facebook messages and my sweet Polyvore friends to contact...I am trying, I promise!

Speaking of Polyvore, remember what they did for me for Christmas. ( I still cry when I think or talk about it!) \Well, here it is on me before a doctor's appointment. What do you guys think?!

Just one more photo of Holly.

She is so stingy with her toys! When she changes her mind about what toy she wants to play with, she tries to lay on the other one so I can't get it! I think the Dog Whisperer would disapprove but it makes me laugh!

Quick note from bed.

Happy New Year sweet friends! I hope you each had a wonderfully blessed Christmas and New Year. I miss blogging and visiting you all very much.

Christmas was nice and calm at our home. Thank you all for your Christmas cards! I was overwhelmed! I hope you all got mine! I had some from Singapore, Canada, Scotland, England, Serbia and many more places! It was exciting!

Holly is adjusting very well! I can’t wait to tell you all more about this precious girl! (She is now 2 lbs.) She has matured quite a bit in 3 weeks and is doing well with housebreaking so far. Of course, we are trying really hard to not give her a chance to have an accident. (When I say "we", I mean, my parents and sister! ha!)

I became very sick on Christmas night and I have been in the bed pretty much all day, everyday, since the 25th. It was terribly disappointing. I haven’t been able to take care of Holly like I had hoped and my family has stepped up to the plate beautifully.

 

Me in the bed and in the dark. Am I sight or what?! Ick!

I have so much to share with you all. I keep making notes of things I want to post. So, be ready for a couple of Christmas photos in a few days!

Ending this on a happy note. Here is Miss Holly Joy!

“…joy runs deeper than despair!"

-Corrie ten Boom