Friday, May 7, 2010

The fear of lose.

This was a difficult post to write. Dealing with these fears and sharing them with 'my world' is a little intimidating. Please know that this post isn't meant to be self-pitying or victimizing. It is only me trying to share this journey and make sense out of it.
Jealousy. It is horrible monster.There was a time, not so long ago, when that jealousy monster robbed me of the joy of being happy for my sister. It took away my ability to be happy with her while she began coming into her own and living her. As I illustrated (somewhat simply) in this post, my jealousy was the symptom of my great, overwhelming hurt and fear.
My sister is four years younger than me. Two years ago, she graduated college and began a job as a nurse. I have never seen Haley in action at her paying nurse job but she has been nursing me to some degree since she was 7 years old. Whether, she was actually home alone with me, nursing me through a fainting spell or coming to my room and watching a movie with me on a really bad day, my sister is my rock.

Not only was my younger sister graduating before me and beginning a job before me, she was in the midst of budding relationship.

Meet Mike. Haley loves him and you know what...I do too. He is a great guy! But it has taken me two years to get over the jealousy and be happy for the most amazing person I know, my sister and this amazing guy she loves. Mike is so funny and so caring. He really loves my sister. (He also loves our dogs, Sophie and Holly, so that is a plus!) I knew that it would always be important that the person Haley loves believe that I was sick. Mike does believe me. Not only does he believe me but he supports me! The first day that I got to drive, he happened to be at my house helping my parents with yard work. When he finished for the day, he came in and told me what an awesome job I had done that day. I was so touched. I hope I find someone who is as caring as he is.

I didn't like Mike. I didn't like Haley, either actually when they first starting dating. Who was he? He is taking my sister. Her free time was spent with him. In fact, all of her time was split between Mike and her new job as a nurse. I was crushed. I had a daily reminder of what I was missing-a diploma, a job and most importantly, a relationship.
You see, I have never been in a serious relationship. Yes, my illness plays a huge roll in that fact but I am also a shy person, so unless you run me down with your car, I probably won't talk to you. I have casually dated a couple of guys over the years. (I have also been on two of the WORST blind dates in history...but another story for another time!)
My greatest fear haunts me daily. You would think that fear would be getting better but it isn't. Don't get me wrong, I want to be well so badly that it hurts down to my bones. My greatest fear torments me and whispers into my heart and tears small holes into my soul.
My fear is that I will never marry and that I will never have a family of my own. That sentence brings me to tears. That is my greatest fear. What if I don't find someone to love me? What will I do? What if I can't be a mother? I have seen my mother and it is such a beautiful gift-maybe not glamorous but beautiful nevertheless. It isn't the romantic idea of walking down the aisle on a wedding day or holding a sweet, sleeping baby. Though, those are beautiful images in my mind, my heart desires more. I want a husband and I want a family.

And honestly, I don't know if that will happen for me.
That breaks my heart. How can I be complete if I there is a piece of my heart missing because I have no husband, home and family. That is one deep desire that I cannot bear to loose to Dysautonomia and the thought of it being robbed from me, shakes me to my core, every single day.


little cottage girl said...

Dear Heather,
I am so sorry that not only are you suffering from your illness, but that on top of everything else, it is robbing your heart of the little joys other's take for granted ... I understand ... although I don't have the same illness as you ... I too have suffered great loss & deal with the emptiness & fear it has left in my heart on a daily basis.

Although I was married for almost 16 years to a man I absolutely adored & loved ... actually still LOVE with all my heart ... after suffering for years (13 to 34) with endometreosis, several surgeries, infertility treatments & then a complete hysterectomy on my 34th birthday ... (sadly) my husband had a mid-life crisis a few years later, made some horrible choices, had a child with someone else & filed for divorce ... so at the age of 40 ... I found myself completely alone ... no husband, no family, no job & no will to continue on, I was in a very dark place & couldn't find my way out.

Even though my parents & siblings LOVED me & cared ... it wasn't enough ... I was empty inside ... then my Dad passed away very suddenly from a heart attack 3 years later ... it was beyond awful ... the 2 men I adored & loved were gone & now my Mom & I were in the same sinking boat & it was sinking a little more each day.

We moved back to MA to be near my sister when I had a horrible accident, where I suffered severe head injuries, short term memory loss & daily headaches, I broke my right arm & have nerve damage to my arm & hand.

2 winter's later I fell down the porch steps & broke my right wrist, hit my head again & hurt my back & remember thinking ... if god only gives you what you can handle ... well ... will someone please let him know that I've been to the buffet table & have even made several trips to the dessert table ... enough is enough! lol

I'm not sure how we've gotten thru the last several years ... but each day we prayed & told ourselves tomorrow will be better or if we can just get thru the next 6 months & now when we look back, we've come so far!

Life's not perfect & it'll never be what it once was ... my heart still misses love, a family of my own, security & that fear of being alone, so I do understand what it's like to feel those tinges of jealously ... my sister (4 yrs younger) has ALWAYS been there for me & me for her ... but you can't help wanting what other's have (not material things) but one's own family (husband & children) which has a way of weighing on one's mind & heart, it causes a suffering each day, along with an illness that no one can see :(

I WISH I HAD WORDS OF WISDOM to bring you HOPE, but I can wish you Peace & Contentment, praying for acceptance has a healing effect & then when you least expect it, good things may happen & someone special will come into your life ... you DEFINITELY deserve all life's blessings, don't give up on your Hopes & Dreams.

That's what I'm trying to do, be happy with what I accomplished today & not expect so much of myself, we can be our own worst enemies & hardest on ourselves.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF & GENTLE WITH YOUR HEART & don't be angry or disappointed for feeling envious & jealous of your sister & mike, they understand & probably wouldn't be handling what you're going thru any better, that's why they aren't going thru it, because they don't have the same strength, YOU HAVE THE INNER STRENGTH TO KEEP FIGHTING FOR A BETTER TOMORROW xo

God Bless & sending you ALL MY LOVE ~ Lynn

quietspirit said...

Lord God:
Please take Heather into your arms of love and draw her close to You. Tell her what she needs to hear and guide her through this time of pain. You have been there for her. For this we are glad.

Kelly said...

Ugh, I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way. It sucks.
Hope you are doing well and have a great week!
I keep meaning to call you but have been so busy, we have a ton to catch up on!

alli/hooray said...

Hi Heather, this post is very timely, because my older brother + best friend are in a similar place in life (still working on their degrees while feeling like everyone else has graduated, married, and started "life"). But I remind them that everyone's life is different - God has a plan, and the best thing to do is trust in it, try new things each day, + meet new people who share the same values. I'll be praying for you!

Saralee said...

You know I pray for you always my sweet friend!
I know that God has some awesome plans for you. He alone sees the future ahead and I believe it will be amazing!

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Keep looking up my dear one!

Big Hugs~ Saralee ♥

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