The fear of lose.

This was a difficult post to write. Dealing with these fears and sharing them with 'my world' is a little intimidating. Please know that this post isn't meant to be self-pitying or victimizing. It is only me trying to share this journey and make sense out of it.

Jealousy. It is horrible monster.There was a time, not so long ago, when that jealousy monster robbed me of the joy of being happy for my sister. It took away my ability to be happy with her while she began coming into her own and living her. As I illustrated (somewhat simply) in this post, my jealousy was the symptom of my great, overwhelming hurt and fear.

My sister is four years younger than me. Two years ago, she graduated college and began a job as a nurse. I have never seen Haley in action at her paying nurse job but she has been nursing me to some degree since she was 7 years old. Whether, she was actually home alone with me, nursing me through a fainting spell or coming to my room and watching a movie with me on a really bad day, my sister is my rock.

Not only was my younger sister graduating before me and beginning a job before me, she was in the midst of budding relationship.

Meet Mike. Haley loves him and you know what...I do too. He is a great guy! But it has taken me two years to get over the jealousy and be happy for the most amazing person I know, my sister and this amazing guy she loves. Mike is so funny and so caring. He really loves my sister. (He also loves our dogs, Sophie and Holly, so that is a plus!) I knew that it would always be important that the person Haley loves believe that I was sick. Mike does believe me. Not only does he believe me but he supports me! The first day that I got to drive, he happened to be at my house helping my parents with yard work. When he finished for the day, he came in and told me what an awesome job I had done that day. I was so touched. I hope I find someone who is as caring as he is.

I didn't like Mike. I didn't like Haley, either actually when they first starting dating. Who was he? He is taking my sister. Her free time was spent with him. In fact, all of her time was split between Mike and her new job as a nurse. I was crushed. I had a daily reminder of what I was missing-a diploma, a job and most importantly, a relationship.

You see, I have never been in a serious relationship. Yes, my illness plays a huge roll in that fact but I am also a shy person, so unless you run me down with your car, I probably won't talk to you. I have casually dated a couple of guys over the years. (I have also been on two of the WORST blind dates in history...but another story for another time!)

My greatest fear haunts me daily. You would think that fear would be getting better but it isn't. Don't get me wrong, I want to be well so badly that it hurts down to my bones. My greatest fear torments me and whispers into my heart and tears small holes into my soul.

My fear is that I will never marry and that I will never have a family of my own. That sentence brings me to tears. That is my greatest fear. What if I don't find someone to love me? What will I do? What if I can't be a mother? I have seen my mother and it is such a beautiful gift-maybe not glamorous but beautiful nevertheless. It isn't the romantic idea of walking down the aisle on a wedding day or holding a sweet, sleeping baby. Though, those are beautiful images in my mind, my heart desires more. I want a husband and I want a family.

And honestly, I don't know if that will happen for me.

That breaks my heart. How can I be complete if I there is a piece of my heart missing because I have no husband, home and family. That is one deep desire that I cannot bear to loose to Dysautonomia and the thought of it being robbed from me, shakes me to my core, every single day.

My Daily Rescue Kit...of sorts.

Well, here it is, everthing that is currently getting me through my day (minus my heating pad and rice wrap). Of course, my darling mascot and ring leader, Holly is first on the list. She and I are really bonding and she is learning, once that heating pad comes out, it is quiet time! Have I said that I loved her? Yeah, I didn't think so!

Next, would have to be Teddy. Teddy and I have been through a lot together. He is slowly falling apart but I can't bear the thought of giving him up. Stained, threadbare and all-I still love Teddy; even if I am nearly 27 years old! ha!

I love my journal. It isn't so much a journal as it is my own quick, personalized reference guide for favorite verses and quotes. Anytime I come across a bible verse or quote that I like, I write it in that journal. I use it has a reference a lot. I am so glad that I started doing that. When I need a "pick-me-up", I have hundreds at my fingertips.

Of course, there is my big bag of medicines. Pills...I have pills for everything. I really wouldn't mind so much if I felt like they were helping. Oh well, I faith that God will heal and they will start to help me soon.

Netflix! Ah! Greatest thing...EVER! Seriously, I can't wait for Mondays and Thursdays...those are my Netflix delivery days. (I tend to rent movies that I have seen before because I want to be sure that I enjoy them!)

Last but certainly not least is my iPod. I think I may be addicted to that little gadget. I listen to it all the time. It has seen better days. When I have headaches (which have been numerous and horriffic lately) the only thing that I can handle is some soft, comforting music. I think it is almost time for a new one. The battery won't even last 10 hours, these days! Oh, but how I love my iPod!

I must say, having a bad migraine isn't so bad when my sweet puppy curls up under my chin like that! Now, I have reason to look forward to them...umm, not really but I think you get what I am saying. If I am going to have a bad headache, this is the way to do it: with a sweet puppy sleeping next to you.

Learning a little each day.

Lessons. Part 1.

Being sick over the last decade has taught me a lot. Some of the things are silly and others are practical, while some lessons are life changing. If there is one thing that I can say about being sick it is that God has used each day to teach me something about myself, Him or the world around me.

Lesson 1
Lemons and Lemonade

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... and if you aren’t able to make the lemonade yourself, God does an awesome job!"

God makes the best lemonade! ha! And He can make it with some pretty rotten lemons, let me tell ya! There are so many stories (some that I hope to share) where God has brought wonderful people into my life or he has allowed me to experience once in lifetime moments. My family has grown so close. I have met the most beautiful souls over the years, who have been living examples of how to live with an illness and still have grace and dignity. I have been blessed by wonderful health care workers, including my counselor, Kelly. Who, has I have said before, was a huge influence on my career choice. God has such big plans for me and He can make them all work with my rotten lemons...Dysautonomia.

{photo from here}

Lesson 2

Being in a wheelchair can have its "perks" at times! ha!

Yes, you read that right. Aside from the obvious of being able to park right next to the door, with the wheelchair, I can wear any kind of shoe that I want! Three-inch heels; who cares?! A beautiful pair rubs my ankles; no big deal! Sitting-and not walking-allows me to indulge in my favorite accessories-shoes! Also, not walking allows me to keep my feet in great shape! When I go get a pedicure, the ladies are always speaking in their native language and they all come over and look at my feet. They pick them up and rub them, point to them, etc. So, finally one day, I asked, "What are you saying about me?" She said, "Oh, beautiful feet! So clean! How you keep so clean?!" Mom and I just laughed. See? I told you some lessons were silly!

"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news..."-Isaiah 52:7

Lesson 3

Hold on to happy memories. Make lots of happy memories!

I think this has been one of my greatest realizations-make and keep dear all the happy memories that you can. I have talked about how important I think this is to do previously. Keep them stored in a safe place deep in your heart and you use them on a really rainy day. The happy moments that you hold dear don’t have to be grand; they can be anything that even for a split second made you smile and made your heart flood with joy. When I am especially down and feeling bad, I unlock that door of happy memories and allow them to fill me. In an instant, I am "self-medicated" with smells and sensations from a wonderful moment that may have only lasted seconds but years later is helping me heal.

more to come but lets end this post right! ha!

love always. Heather & Holly