The fear that I have had for 13 years, that these spells would get worse and really take me for a turn has come true. And it is as awful as I imagined in my darkest moments.
Since last July, I have had 15 of them. That is more that I have had in the last 13 years combined. It is horrifying and they are slowly taking over my thoughts, my decisions and my happy moments.
In a cruel twist of fate, a sign that a spell is imminent is that I have a surge of energy that is masked as a good day. Now even my good days are bittersweet because I am terrified of what the will bring.
Is this the night? Is another one going to happen?
It has become a nasty, viscous cycle that is far beyond my control.
I had to go back to the hospital this week. Not a pleasant trip.
This was the fourth attack of the month.
And can I just say how completely unpleasant ER doctors are. My sister is in the medical profession and I understand that they have so many patients that need them at the same time that I do but still-treat me with respect. I am not a moron. I am at their mercy and deserve the same courtesy that they would give to a stranger outside of the hospital.
The GI doctor is no closer to the solving this puzzle. I have -because of my many trips to the ER this month- met every doctor in the practice! ha! They all seem very nice and Christ centered.
I just had a small bowel series done on Friday. I had to drink yucky barium (2 cups..ick!!) and they took X-Rays as it made its ways to my small bowel. I won't get the official results until this week but the kind X-Ray told me things looked good.
I do have a colonoscopy scheduled for the 17th. I am NOT looking forward to that. Well, I am not looking forward to the preparation anyway!
The doctor really thinks there may be some scar tissue from previous abdominal surgeries that could be causing some of the my stomach problems. We shall see.
And now for an honest and sad confession...
I try to be honest on my blog. I try to be transparent and share all that encompasses being sick-whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. And sometimes my truth is not very pretty.
I have found that bitter seed growing at Olympic speed. I find it more and more difficult to go to God as my loving Father. I feel anger towards Him. I feel coldness and resentment. I want Him to make this all go away this instant! I think about Job and how he lost everything and still thanked God-not only thanked God but fell to His knees in utter humbly praise and prayer.
I think of Job and wonder how he was able to do that.
I try at the end of each to thank God for at least one thing from my day but these last few weeks our conversations do not go beyond that.
I am embarrassed to admit that horrible fact but it is true.
I am trying to find my way back to Him and I hope that is an important first step. I do know that He is waiting for me.