Because Sometimes Those Silly Cliches Are Really True...even for me!

I hope you are prepared for a WHOLE LOT of HAPPINESS! When is the last time I said that on this blog?! I will admit it has been awhile!

First order of business. School. School is going really, really well. Even though I am still little bummed that I switched my minor to Human Growth & Development that are two really major positive outcomes. The first is that it compliments my Psychology major a lot more that my first minor did and secondly, I can take every single course for my minor online! Hallelujah! I go to campus once a week and observe at an on site daycare for an hour. Some weeks have been difficult but the last couple have been just fine and (drum roll)....I even drove myself the last two times!! Whoo!  I will be signing up for Summer and Fall classes next week. I am taking two online courses this Summer and taking a leap of faith and choosing to take one course on campus for the Fall. I am nervous and very, very excited! 

Secondly, yes I am driving some!!! Seriously, it feels so nice to drive again. I feel like such a carefree teenager when I am able to drive. I even have a "car-tunes" playlist on my iPod just for the special occasions. I only go places close to home. (Like the pharmacy or to get a pedicure.) I am planning to go to the library this week or next. It is about 25 minutes away. I always drive when someone else is at home and has access to a car-just in case I get where I am going and get sick and can't make it back home. Always be prepared.

Okay, this is my biggest and most exciting news!! I am really nervous but so super excited at the same time. I have decided to go with my best friend Kim to Austin, TX, the first week of April. Kim, her roomate and their friend from church will be coming from Maryland during their spring break. They are coming through Alabama and I will ride the rest of the way with them. I am a little nervous because my mind likes to scream at me and remind me of all the horrible things that could go wrong so far from home but then there is another little voice that is like, "Hey, put on your big girl panties! You have been way too sick for way too long to give up an opportunity like this!" Even though the little voice scares me a litttle, I happen to agree with it and I am taking a huge leap of faith and I am going to Austin...like a regular, normal person!! I am so excited!!! 

Sunshine somewhere behind the clouds.

Hello Friends!!

Do you remember me?! How long has it been...

Don't answer that...because it depresses me.

Before I continue, I just want to say that your emails (that I haven't responded to) your beautiful Polyvore sets (that I haven't been able to take in) and your cards and your prayers have really overwhelmed me! You all have been true friends! I drop off the face of the earth -literally- and you all surround me with love and care. I am so thankful for you all!

 

Well, I will try and explain my absence from the internet. My blog, polyvore...the world really. I was completely bed bound the months of November and December. It was a really lonely and very sad time. I became so sick and so weak. It was just really defeating. I am not going to lie. I was so weak and sick that I couldn't even get online. It just wasn't good. I wasn't able to leave home and do our normal family Christmas traditions-which meant my family stayed home with me. My Mom went out of her way to make sure my bedroom was super-duper "Christmasey"! 

 Oh, I also got an iPad! :) Yay! I am hoping the next time I get dressed to go to the doctor, that I will have enough time to do a little video and put on here. 

I am feeling a little better now that I was before the new year. I am taking a new medicine called Plaquenil. It is used to treat RA and Lupus (as well as other things). It has been the first medicine in a long time that has made a slight difference in my symptoms and I am REALLY excited. It helps with my fatigue. (Which is my number 1 symptom). I am now able to move around the house a little bit easier and I don't get as tired when I talk with my family. I can even eat some meals at the table! HUGE! I know that doesn't sound like much but it really is a huge deal.

Also, I am taking my online class at the University! So, so happy about that!! I feel like I am accomplishing something when I am doing school work. I was worried that after nearly 3 years away from school that I would have a hard time getting back in the swing of things but so far it has been good. I have to pace myself because I get really tired after studying but it is so worth it!

I really have a lot that I want to share with you all.

I love you all so much and I really am going to try and update a little more now that I am able! 

And if any of my Polyvore friends are reading this- I CANNOT wait to get back there to you guys! I miss you all so much!!

 

Long overdue: Surgery Results

The last couple of weeks have been crazy. Seriously. Very crazy. I was in the hospital two weeks ago because I had another one! It was not fun. I forget how absolutely terrible hospitals are. 

And last Monday, I had my laparoscopic surgery. The doctor thinks that he may have found what is wrong.

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When I first saw the pelvic pain specialist that performed my procedure last week, we discussed several possibilities that could be causing my severe pain and those horrible spells that I have. He prepared me for what he expected to find in my abdomen and pelvis during the laproscopic procedure. The doctor believes that I have something called Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. Simply put, Pelvic Congestion is like having varicose veins in your pelvis. Its cause is not known and its treatment is difficult. The doctor marked my abdomen with two big "X's" before surgery, the two points where my pain is the worst during an episode. He said that when he looked in my abdomen, two large, dilated veins connecting to my uterus were directly under the two "X's" he had marked. If those veins weren't directly under those marks, I may not have been as convinced but it was difficult to argue with such a pinpointed find.

I have a DVD and photos from surgery. The photo that he showed me of the dilated veins was amazing. On the left side (where the pain is) the two veins were so large, clearly visible and purple in color versus the right side (where there is no pain), where no veins were visible and all you could see was pink, healthy tissue.

I really didn't want to include a photo because I felt that may be too much information. So, I sort of made a crude example to give you a better idea of what I am talking about.

The good news was that after my previous surgeries from the car accident in 1994, I had very little scar tissue on my left side. My right side was another story. He said that my right side was quite scarred and the right side of my large intestine was covered with scar tissue and slightly connected to my abdominal cavity. He took no action (something we had previously discussed) because he didn't want to cause any problems that I wasn't already having. Which was fine with me. He said that I was at risk for a future bowel obstruction because of the scar tissue and I would have to watch for warning signs but it really isn't something that I have to worry about.

He also found a small amount of endometriosis that he removed. He said that it only takes a teeny tiny amount of endometriosis to cause pain, so hopefully removing it will help. And he also found a small polyp in my uterus that was removed. It may have also contributed to some of my pain. 

So, there were definitely some problems that only surgery could address. I am glad that I was able to have these things looked at and addressed. I was also able to openly and comfortably talk about pain management with my doctor; something that can be very uncomfortable to do. I have found that doctors are not willing to discuss aggressive pain management openly. I understand their caution but sometimes, aggressive treatment is warranted. I appreciated his understanding and willingness to work with me and LISTEN to me. 

I cannot begin to tell you how compassionate this wonderful doctor is.

I have some more things that I want to share about last week and the last few days but I don't want to bore you anymore today! 

Thank you so much for your kindness, love, prayers and support.

Good News & Bad News...

I am using the words of my doctor.

Okay, I had my *lovely* (please not sarcasm!) colonoscopy last Wednesday. The prep on Tuesday was not nearly as terrible as I had feared; thank goodness! I had imagined that it was going to be awful! I was feeling a little weak as the day went on because I couldn't maintain my fluid balance and my blood pressure dropped a little bit but I didn't have a spell. 

My appointment was at 6am on Wednesday. I will schedule all my future tests that early if I can. It was so nice because I was the first patient-so I was in and out; there wasn't much waiting. So nice.

My colonoscopy was great. No abnormalities whatsoever. Which is great for the obvious reason, no one wants something wrong but bad because we still don't know what is making me have those horrible spells!  

Obvious things are all coming back as normal. As crazy as this sounds I just want them to come in the room as say, "We have smoking gun!" And show me abnormal blood tests or point to a scan and say, "Ah, here it is!"

I have faith that God heard our prayer that first appointment with the GI doctor and He will eventually lead me through this valley. But my goodness, I am not patient!

another week. another spell.

The fear that I have had for 13 years, that these spells would get worse and really take me for a turn has come true. And it is as awful as I imagined in my darkest moments.

Since last July, I have had 15 of them. That is more that I have had in the last 13 years combined. It is horrifying and they are slowly taking over my thoughts, my decisions and my happy moments. 

In a cruel twist of fate, a sign that a spell is imminent is that I have a surge of energy that is masked as a good day. Now even my good days are bittersweet because I am terrified of what the will bring.

Is this the night? Is another one going to happen?

  It has become a nasty, viscous cycle that is far beyond my control.

I had to go back to the hospital this week. Not a pleasant trip. 

This was the fourth attack of the month. 

And can I just say how completely unpleasant ER doctors are. My sister is in the medical profession and I understand that they have so many patients that need them at the same time that I do but still-treat me with respect. I am not a moron. I am at their mercy and deserve the same courtesy that they would give to a stranger outside of the hospital.

Just sayin'!

The GI doctor is no closer to the solving this puzzle. I have -because of my many trips to the ER this month- met every doctor in the practice! ha! They all seem very nice and Christ centered. 

I just had a small bowel series done on Friday. I had to drink yucky barium  (2 cups..ick!!) and they took X-Rays as it made its ways to my small bowel. I won't get the official results until this week but the kind X-Ray told me things looked good. 

I do have a colonoscopy scheduled for the 17th. I am NOT looking forward to that. Well, I am not looking forward to the preparation anyway! 

The doctor really thinks there may be some scar tissue from previous abdominal surgeries that could be causing some of the my stomach problems. We shall see.

And now for an honest and sad confession...

I try to be honest on my blog. I try to be transparent and share all that encompasses being sick-whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. And sometimes my truth is not very pretty.

I have found that bitter seed growing at Olympic speed. I find it more and more difficult to go to God as my loving Father. I feel anger towards Him. I feel coldness and resentment. I want Him to make this all go away this instant! I think about Job and how he lost everything and still thanked God-not only thanked God but fell to His knees in utter humbly praise and prayer. 

I think of Job and wonder how he was able to do that. 

I try at the end of each to thank God for at least one thing from my day but these last few weeks our conversations do not go beyond that. 

I am embarrassed to admit that horrible fact but it is true. 

I am trying to find my way back to Him and I hope that is an important first step. I do know that He is waiting for me.

Much love-

A Hospital Recap

I was so happy to come home last week! Little Holly was pretty excited to see me too! She has been so clingy since I got home. She doesn't let me out of her sight. It is so sweet.

My family sent me these beautiful flowers while I was in the hospital. Everyone that came in my room commented on how beautiful they were. I was glad that they were still so beautiful when I brought them home. Today is the first day that they have started to wilt. 

Okay, so I guess this all began last Saturday night. We decided after I went to see the GI doctor that anytime my stomach starts to hurt, we were going to pack up and head to the ER. The doctor on Saturday night was very nice and gave me Zofran for nausea and something for pain. It did help and the pain seemed to be better when we left but I think the pain medicine just delayed the inevitable because the pain returned Sunday evening and we found ourselves headed back to the ER. I had another doctor and he too was equally as nice and gave me something for pain and nausea. The pain didn't get better. It was terrible. Mom said that I was not quite myself and I fainting 7 or 8 times while I was laying down in the ER.
After a couple of hours, the doctor came in and told us that my white count was up to 18,000. A normal white count is about 10,000. He told us that he was concerned because that was a very high WBC, saying that people with pneumonia had a WBC of 15,000 and since I had been to the ER 3 times this month, severe pain and such a high WBC, I needed to be admitted. I have to admit I was a little relieved because I was still so sick. 

I was in terrible pain until about 9:30 am on Monday when I got terribly  sick. After that my pain seemed to ease a little bit.

The doctor that was in charge of my case at the hospital was very thorough. I had tests run all week. Lots of tests! Everything came back completely normal except for one test. An MRI of my Pitituary Gland. It did show some "thickenining" on the back side of the gland. I will need to see an Endocrinologist to make sure all of my hormone levels are fine but it isn't anything that I have to worry about. I will just have to have periodic MRIs and blood tests to make sure everything is okay.

But they didn't find anything that would suggest what these "spells" are that I have. I was so glad that all of tests came back good but I really do want an answer. I was hoping they would find something to explain these horrible episodes that I have.

The GI doctor called Friday and told me that some blood work they had drawn had come back negative. They did a particular test for a disorder called Hereditary Angioedema ( HAE) and I was hoping that would come back positive because these "spells" fit that disorder entirely. I was very disappointed. I had pinned my hopes on that test coming back as positive.

I have a follow up appointment with the GI doctor this Wednesday. I am hoping to discuss some further tests and options for treatment.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support. I feel like a broken record-but they really do mean so much to me. Your kindness and compassion really does my heart such good.
Thank you so much.

no place like home

There is no place like home. Truly.
I am so happy to be back home and take a nice long, hot shower and sleep in my own bed...and see my sweet Holly!

Thank you so much for your prayers and for reaching out to me over the last few days. I cannot even begin to tell you how uplifted I felt knowing I had dear people praying for me.

I don't have much new from the doctor. They did a lot of tests and were able to rule out some things.
I am still waiting on some lab work to come back...so we will see...

I promise to give a better update in the next couple of days. I just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and love.

A little thank you and an update

Dear Friends

Thank you all so much. I was so overwhelmed by each and every comment, email and message that I have received for you all this week. Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you for the bottom of my heart. You all remind me constantly that I have so many people who care about me and love me. It is so amazing to know that I have so many prayers being said on my behalf. 
Thank you so, so much.
That just doesn't seem to be enough...but thank you.


I had an appointment this past Wednesday with a Rheumatologist. I don't know how it happened but I have had TWO AMAZING doctors' visits in a row! Seriously, that is a record that has not been set in my 13 years of being a professional patient. :) He was very kind and thorough. He talked from the moment he opened the door. He was a walking encyclopedia. He knew a lot of information. He was especially kind and I found him very attentive. He is trying me on two new medicines that may help with my fatigue! I am excited. Cautiously so, but excited nevertheless. 

My Mom and I thanked him before we left for being so kind and for believing me. And this was my favorite part...he looked up and said, 

"Doctors are crazy. You aren't. Your were obviously a lively young lady-cheering, school friends-you had a life. Why would you give that up for this? I believe you. And you believe in yourself because we are going to try and make you feel better."

I really don't think I can add anymore to that. So, I will let the doctor's beautiful words linger on your mind. They make me happy.

I do go tomorrow and Wednesday for GI tests. Nothing too involved...just some CT scans and blood work. Please be in prayer that something will show up and the GI doctor can begin to treat these spells.

Thank you friends. I love you all more than you know.

Think Happy Thoughts

Over the last month, each day has seemed to be a battle of wills. Each day has been hard and quite difficult emotionally and physically. There were several days that I just watched the clock slowly tick through the day and I couldn't wait for the sun to set and soon I could go to sleep and completely escape for the night. I am not going to lie; it has been hard.

There have been days that I have taken to wearing granny sunglasses in the house and even talking was too much exertion. The television stayed turned off and my laptop was hardly on. My world got so small. 

It hurt my heart. I just wanted to be anywhere but here.

And sometimes all I could do to get through the next few moments was to

Think {very} Happy Thoughts!

It was like a moment from Peter Pan. If I thought long enough and hard enough, I drifted away from the terrible moment. I could momentarily be anywhere but where I was.

Call it denial or just pure crazy...it sometimes worked.

• I thought about the roses that I knew were blooming outside.
• I remembered a beach trip with friends and climbing over a fence to get into a new subdivision's pool that wasn't open yet.
• I thought about the beautiful architecture in New Orleans.
• I went through each first day of school from K-5 and tried to remember what I wore the first day of school. (I did good! I could remember every year but 2!)
• I remembered the butterflies from my high school crush.
• I thought about cheer leading and the year that our football team went to the Play Offs.
• I thought about family vacations to the beach and to Disney World.

I am optimistic person but I am also realistic. I think you can be both. My situation is so hard and so painful but my life is also full of such beautiful, happy moments.

Life is hard. It is really hard, a lot of the time. I firmly believe that we have spectacularly, beautiful moments that may only last a second so that when we face dark times, we have something to hang on to and so we can be reminded of joy that is surely around the corner.

Each day I am trying my best to think happy thoughts!

Take a Breath...

First of all, please know that your each of your kind, kind words warmed my heart and soul. Please know that I am so thankful for your prayers and your love. Overwhelming love is what I feel when you say such loving prayers on my behalf.

Thank you.

To say that this past week has been difficult would be an understatement. It has been darn hard. A doozey of giant proportions. I have taken to wearing sunglasses in the house because I am so weak, my eyes just hurt. No television and I am eating meals in bed. No sleep and headaches. 

I am able to listen to my iPod as long as it is turned down low. (So happy about that!) 

I am indulging myself in audio books right now. I have read (listened) to some great ones!

 My sweet Hay (Haley) comes to visit me each night and little Holly has been the sweetest puppy ever.

Lots of tears have been shed this week. I have my Mom keep reminding me that everything will get better. I just feel so defeated.

Everything just hurts.

My heart hurts the most.

It is spring and it is beautiful. I want to be able to see spring unfold.

I have so many things that I want to share. So many things and I know that I will but like so many things, it isn't exactly as I planned. I just have to wait a little while longer.

I can't wait to answer the questions you guys asked me. They were such fun to read.

And share my new camera...it is a beauty.

And tell all about my birthday party. It was so beautiful and full of love.

I have a playlist on my iPod called Hope.

This song is my current anthem.

 

I don't what I would do without my precious family. 

They are precious souls. I am so glad that we were given to one another.

Hopefully, I will "see" you all soon! :)

Much love!

to tell my story.

I spent a wonderful Thursday evening with one of my dear friends, Becca. We don't get to see one another as often as we would like and we always enjoy our time together. Before we said our goodbyes we were talking and she asked me about my blog. Then she asked me why I had decided to start blogging.

I don't know. I really had never thought about what my reasons were.

So, it got me thinking. 

Why did I start blogging?

I think that I started blogging because I wanted to tell my story. The healing that comes when someone hears your story and validates your feelings is really powerful. I know that all too well. The cathartic healing that comes from this blog is surprising to me. I didn't know who would see this blog - if anyone -but I wanted my words to be seen. 
I wanted to tell my story.
I wanted to tell the good and the bad. The ugly and the beautiful.

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I also wanted to begin my blog because my world has gotten smaller over the years. One by one people have left and I have watched has one opportunity after another has slipped away and I saw this blog as a way that I could reach out. I have always believed that if my suffering could help one other person feel less alone then my suffering would not be in vein.

Beginning this blog was my way of saying, I am here. I understand. I will listen.

My story is not remarkable. It is truly ordinary. Perhaps my circumstance may be a little different but my pain, my hurt, my suffering, my love, my joy, my hope and my faith-those are shared by everyone in all walks of life all across the world and they have their stories too. The common thread are those emotions that weave in and out of different stories.

"The best things of life come out of wounding. Wheat is crushed before it becomes bread. Incense must be cast upon the fire before its odors are set free. The ground must be broken with the sharp plow before it is ready to receive the seed. It is the broken heart that pleases God. The sweetest joys in life are the fruits of sorrow. Human nature seems to need suffering to fit it for being a blessing to the world" 

Francis Cowman, Streams in the Desert

just wanted the world to know...

I have had a couple of better days and I have enjoyed them so much! I haven't done anything major but I have just been more comfortable. (I even did a couple of loads of laundry and that made my Mom happy!)

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Tonight, I am having dinner with my best friend Becca. I am so excited. 

I feel it is important to share when I am having a better day (or two!) because you all share in the down times and it is important to celebrate the up times together too!

 

It is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is Well With My Soul

 Horatio Spafford 

I love this song. It is my song. It is my song in the sense that it speaks the words that my heart feels. Even on the really, really bad days. This whole thing -this gut-wrenching, devastating, suffocating thing- is okay. 

My heart is at peace with God's work even when my head is saying otherwise.

Christ regarded my helpless state. 
That one line in this wonderful song had escaped me until this weekend. 
Among other things, regard means:

1). to have respect or concern for 2). to think highly of 3). to take into account; consider

 

He planned ahead. He planned for this unthinkable situation that I didn't plan for. He has continued to bring people into my life to help me through each day. The last ten years are full of God's loving plan. It has been full of loving souls that have been sent to help me find my way.

 

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When I am down and confused and feeling alone, I remember each precious soul that has been placed in my life. I think about what they look like, what they sound like and I remember what their role has been during this difficult time. 

It is pretty overwhelming. It is such a beautiful reminder that long ago before I was ever created..

Christ regarded my helpless state and he chose to send me miraculous lifelines that catch me just when I feel my feet slipping from under me.

 

It is a beautiful thing. 

hello

My sleep pattern is still off which means I am a little "off" too! 

(Ask my family and they would say that I am a little "off" whether I sleep or not.)

Yesterday, I just started crying and it felt really nice. That may sound strange but I am a very emotional kind of person and I cry a lot. Always have. And sometimes, when I go to long without a good cry it catches up with me. 

When I haven't had a good cry in awhile, the tears are usually triggered by the tiniest little thing -as was the case yesterday- and then a tidal wave comes. I felt better after it was over so that was a good.

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All the dots on my iPod calender are making me look like I am cool, again! Except this month's dots are not for television shows but lots of doctor's appointments and birthdays.
It is a busy month. (According to my iPod.)

I do have an important appointment on Tuesday. I go every 4 to 5 months and I have an occipital nerve block done to help my migraines. It sounds much more intrusive than it really is. Basically, the doctor injects a mixture of steroids and lidocaine into each side of the base of my head. It literally takes 60 seconds.
I have a terrible time recovering from these blocks but they are worth it in the end because they help my migraine pain so very much! I am not sure what really happens but my Dysautonomia just doesn't like the blocks. I don't mind having a few tough days for fewer migraines. I consider it a fair trade.

Anyway, I probably won't be blogging this week but I plan on being back and in full force next week for sure.

Where have the days gone? Time goes by so fast. Too fast sometimes. I am still feeling pretty crummy but my sleep seems to be back on track (YES!) and I ate supper at the table last night which is such a huge deal for me when I am feeling bad! That is two major improvements in just a few days. I am very happy about that.

I am kind of bummed because I only took 1 photo last week for Project Life. I am not beating myself up though because I just have to take things as they come. Hopefully, I will do better this week.

I have been listening to this song a lot. It really speaks to me. 

Are there songs that you like to listen to when you are feeling down in the dumps? I would love to know what they are!

Sustain Me

"Cast your burdens on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

Psalm 55:22 

Among other things, sustain means to to keep a person, their mind, spirits, etc., from giving way, as under trial or affliction. God promises to sustain me. He promises to hold me tight and not let me become lost in my afflictions. He promises that I will never fall. I am reminding myself of this, every single minute.

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The last two weeks have been very hard ones. I haven't been able to do very much at all. I feel like I am spending more and more of my time in bed, with the shades drawn and with little noise because I am so sensitive to the stimulation. I am having a hard time eating and swallowing food and drinks. I am choking on most anything that I try to swallow. And to add insult to injury, my insomnia is raging. And not sleeping makes everything worse. I am only getting a few hours of sleep during the day because for some reason my mind refuses to settle and allow me to have a restful night's sleep.

I am trying hard -very hard- to remain positive. I feel so bad and I am so tired, it is hard to do some days. I know these days will pass but in the meantime, I am trying to get through each hour. I say to myself, just breathe.

My spirit is seems battered right now and tears come so easily. I am very sad.

I am not able to be on the computer very much right now. It is difficult to find the energy and thought to try and post and visit you all. I know it sounds strange to say that being online is an effort but thank you all for being so supportive.

I hope to *see* you all very soon!

Bad day & Ice Cream

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

I started feeling bad while I was in the exam room waiting for the doctor to come in. I thought to myself, how horrible would it be if I just fainted on this table. I would certainly hurt myself and with the lovely hospital smock on, everyone would surely see my blue granny panties.
*Note to self...always, always wear white undies. No matter what the situation.*

I was getting dizzy and my ears were ringing. Nausea just came in waves. My heart was racing. Oh, my gosh. I cannot do this now. 

Well, thankfully I didn't. The doctor came and went. I was fine. I still felt bad but I didn't faint. I didn't fall off the exam table and no one saw my blue granny panties. I was totally going to be fine.

And then...

I went to check out and schedule some tests. My Mom, chairs and my walker were just on the other side of the door. "Just hang on", I told myself. I was going to be able to sit down in just second.
I know I made it to the receptionist's desk.
I know I gave her my paperwork. 

Next, I opened my eyes and I was on the floor with 8 faces staring down at me.
Between steps 2 & 3...it's a little fuzzy.

My purse was strewn across the floor and I only had on one shoe.
Yeah, I have seen better days.

Everyone was so nice.  One of the doctors even fed me ice chips, while my doctor elevated my legs to get the blood back to my heart and brain. So nice. Everyone was so sweet. I was so embarrassed but they were so kind. I have a love/hate relationship with doctors.
This group restored my faith in doctors and their nurses. Honestly.

So, I am in bed. Where else? Holly and I are watching Brothers & Sisters on Netflix and I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.

But just in case it isn't, I treated myself to a cup of chocolate ice cream and some crumbled Reese Cups for extra measure.

One of those days.

So, today has been one of those kind of days....

Yeah, I know, it sure isn't pretty!

I have fainted two days in a row (after going weeks and weeks with no fainting!). After I faint, I usually get a pretty tough migraine and today and yesterday was no exception. My nausea has been quite terrible for several weeks now and my Zofran usually takes care of that problem but I seem to be having to take alot more Zofran than I normally do.

I wanted my day to look like this! But I actually had to turn my beautiful Christmas tree lights off because everything seemed to be irritating my body. So, needless to say, a few tears have been shed today.



But, the 22nd of December just seems to be a day that God likes to remind me that there are truly angels among us. Last year, He reminded me in a grand way. And just when I go forgetting the power of prayer and love and friends, I am reminded again in an equally grand way!

A box came today.

You can bet, the rice wrap and heating pad came off to check out this surprise! ha! The box was just from Amazon. There wasn't a return address from someone that I knew. I was a little perplexed. I wasn't expecting anything.

I opened it and here this was.

A beautiful gift from my beautiful friend Yasmin. I was not expecting such a kind and thoughtful gift from such a wonderful friend. This book was on my Amazon wish list! She caught me completely by surprise!!

I love Nancy Guthrie. There is something about the way she writes that I connect with. She uses her own personal struggles and tragedies to remind others of God's presence.

I highly recommend her books.

Thank you so much Yasmin. Your friendship and constant encouragement means more to me than words can ever say. Thank you for being a beacon of God's unfailing love in my life.

Merry Christmas!

Bad Days...boo

 My nurse Carrie came yesterday and I got my weekly IV. I really like Carrie. She is so funny and super, super nice. When she starts my IVs she always gets on her knees and says that she is in "her praying position" and then continues to say that she needs to be in that praying position if she wants to get me on the first stick. Seriously, she makes me laugh. And she is able to get me the first time, now. Just in case in you wanted to know.

The IV hydration isn't helping like it was. It makes me kind of sad. I was getting about two days where I felt better but I don't seem to be getting those two days very much anymore. Maybe it is just the time of year because this is a bad time of year for me. Anyway...

The last few days have been kind of bad. Thank goodness for Zofran (nausea medicine), iPods and Christmas trees! Seriously, I love Christmas trees and I could just stare at mine all day, which basically is what Holly and I do.

And on a totally random sidenote-I heard on the nightly news that it is colder in Florida than in Maine! What?! So much for Glober Warming, I guess.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Time is Here

With Christmas all around, I can't help but be reminded of how fast the time has passed. Any holiday-but especially Christmas-has a way of bringing me and the passage of time face to face in a showdown... and time wins each time. I don't want to be sad or cry but I do because it is quite hard. This is such a happy time of year but it is also another year and one more Christmas that is passing and I am still sick.

I will never get the last 10 Christmases (or years) back. They slipped away so quickly. I have missed out on so much and it hurts my heart. The hurt has just invaded and I am working hard on letting go. There is so much that I want to do and I don’t know if I will be able to. I have so many dreams that I don’t want to give up on but I don’t know I will ever live out those dreams.

Christmas is indeed a very special time of year. Christmas gives us all the opportunity to be thankful for all that has happened in our lives- both good and bad.

Most importantly, Christmas reminds me to be hopeful for all that I know will come.