Today.Yesterday.Tomorrow.

 

"Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before."

Daniel 6:10

I love this verse. I am not going to say it has been floating around in my mind for awhile but I just kind of stumbled across it and it kind of stuck with me. God is the same-in times of joy and times of deep sorrow. He is the same. It is me-through my situations-that changes. Sometimes, allowing my heart to hardened towards Him because I am angry and hurt. But throughout the bible we are told to give thanks in every circumstance.

I have been struggling so deeply with where I am at in my life. I find myself trying desperately to bargain my way into a new existence. I catch my mind dwelling on past moments of happiness and I can feel my throat close and my eyes burn with tears.

I thanked God for those happy days.
a beach trip to Seaside with Kim and Kristen.
New Orleans visits.
A trip to Pennsylvania.
School.
School.
Driving.
Another beach trip with friends.
School.

Those were beautiful days. Days of splendor. And those days can be haunting at times; ghosts that lurk and taunt me with what I know life could be like. But mostly those days serve as truly joyous reminders of God's overflowing love and His power to make all things new again.

So, during these dark days that seem to mount and take my breath and my sanity, I am trying very hard to remember to give thanks every day. No matter what kind of day it is.

 

Because God is the same today as He was yesterday.

And I hope that I can be like Daniel and get down on my knees and pray, give thanks to my God, just as I did before.

The fear of lose.

This was a difficult post to write. Dealing with these fears and sharing them with 'my world' is a little intimidating. Please know that this post isn't meant to be self-pitying or victimizing. It is only me trying to share this journey and make sense out of it.

Jealousy. It is horrible monster.There was a time, not so long ago, when that jealousy monster robbed me of the joy of being happy for my sister. It took away my ability to be happy with her while she began coming into her own and living her. As I illustrated (somewhat simply) in this post, my jealousy was the symptom of my great, overwhelming hurt and fear.

My sister is four years younger than me. Two years ago, she graduated college and began a job as a nurse. I have never seen Haley in action at her paying nurse job but she has been nursing me to some degree since she was 7 years old. Whether, she was actually home alone with me, nursing me through a fainting spell or coming to my room and watching a movie with me on a really bad day, my sister is my rock.

Not only was my younger sister graduating before me and beginning a job before me, she was in the midst of budding relationship.

Meet Mike. Haley loves him and you know what...I do too. He is a great guy! But it has taken me two years to get over the jealousy and be happy for the most amazing person I know, my sister and this amazing guy she loves. Mike is so funny and so caring. He really loves my sister. (He also loves our dogs, Sophie and Holly, so that is a plus!) I knew that it would always be important that the person Haley loves believe that I was sick. Mike does believe me. Not only does he believe me but he supports me! The first day that I got to drive, he happened to be at my house helping my parents with yard work. When he finished for the day, he came in and told me what an awesome job I had done that day. I was so touched. I hope I find someone who is as caring as he is.

I didn't like Mike. I didn't like Haley, either actually when they first starting dating. Who was he? He is taking my sister. Her free time was spent with him. In fact, all of her time was split between Mike and her new job as a nurse. I was crushed. I had a daily reminder of what I was missing-a diploma, a job and most importantly, a relationship.

You see, I have never been in a serious relationship. Yes, my illness plays a huge roll in that fact but I am also a shy person, so unless you run me down with your car, I probably won't talk to you. I have casually dated a couple of guys over the years. (I have also been on two of the WORST blind dates in history...but another story for another time!)

My greatest fear haunts me daily. You would think that fear would be getting better but it isn't. Don't get me wrong, I want to be well so badly that it hurts down to my bones. My greatest fear torments me and whispers into my heart and tears small holes into my soul.

My fear is that I will never marry and that I will never have a family of my own. That sentence brings me to tears. That is my greatest fear. What if I don't find someone to love me? What will I do? What if I can't be a mother? I have seen my mother and it is such a beautiful gift-maybe not glamorous but beautiful nevertheless. It isn't the romantic idea of walking down the aisle on a wedding day or holding a sweet, sleeping baby. Though, those are beautiful images in my mind, my heart desires more. I want a husband and I want a family.

And honestly, I don't know if that will happen for me.

That breaks my heart. How can I be complete if I there is a piece of my heart missing because I have no husband, home and family. That is one deep desire that I cannot bear to loose to Dysautonomia and the thought of it being robbed from me, shakes me to my core, every single day.

just dealing.

I am totally not going to lie. I haven't been posting because I have been afriad of what would come out. I have been like one big steaming kettle...about to erupt at any moment.

Last week, it happened. The eruption, happened. It was not pretty. My poor Mom was on the receiving end of all my pent-up emotions. It was a really bad week. But I should have seen it coming. I can only keep it in for so long.

A visual keeps coming to mind. The incident with Linda Blair and the green pea soup in The Exorcist. Pretty, huh?

I saw my counselor, Kelly today. And even though I am usually on top of my feelings and know why I am coming un-glued...I haven't been lately and Kelly really helped me today get things in order. We made a diagram with pieces of construction paper (sort of like the one below) and ligths went off and bells began dinging. I figured out why I have been having such a difficult time. (I hope to share those reasons in the next couple of days.)

-- by *Heather Thomas on Polyvore.com

Underneath my jealousy and my anger that seems to be running rampant these days, my sadness is always there. My sadness is under everything. The tears could come at any moment. My sadness is a giant, dark hole that seems to be getting bigger and blacker. It is a giant cesspool that has been collecting every moment that I have missed and every dream that I have let go of.

I am sad. So sad and I am trying to hold on to the future calm and peace that I KNOW will come one day soon.

 

I keep thinking about one of my favorite quotes from Corrie ten Boom.

 

"No pit is so deep that HE is not deeper still."